Gold Balls For Everyone! (We Check Out the Ballon D’Or Ceremony)

The BCS National Championship game, for all its carnage and Irish humiliating and A.J. McCarron-girlfriend-ogling, was only the second most uncomfortable sports-related thing on TV yesterday. If you flipped over to Fox Soccer Channel at any point yesterday, you saw that actual soccer gave way to the ESPYs meets Eurovision. And Messi won a giant gold ball (shocker), as did Abby Wambach (one of two finalists we were rooting for). And people took pictures. So we’ll provide captions.

(Note: Photos are housed on the FIFA site, so after hilarious attempts at embedding photos, we have to do the click-on-the-hilarious-caption and link thing. Get your finger workout on.)

Every awards ceremony needs a shirtless dancing musical interlude.

Any time you can give Carlos Valderrama’s hair some stage time, you do it. (Even if it involves Ruud Gullit in a wig.)

Sepp Blatter with Gerard Depardieu — star of the new feature film Blatter!: The Sepp Blatter Story.

It’s the Brazil World Cup 2014 mascot, Fat Ronaldo, with some armadillo named Fuleco.

Pia Sundhage, rocking the T-shirt and blazer look, after winning Women’s Coach of the Year and Second Most Uncomfortable Musical Moment of the Ballon D’Or.

Amy McDonald. No one’s quite sure why.

The three women’s finalists. (Second place is the first loser, Marta.)

The three they-just-LOOK-drunk men’s finalists. The dots on Messi’s tux are actually light sensors, so video game makers can get more accurate player movements for an exciting new video game coming out soon — FIFA Ballon D’Or 14!



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