Ringing In The New Year With The EPL

New Year’s resolutions are one of the stupidest things the world has ever come up with. Think about it, when was the last time your resolution actually lasted more than a month, maybe two at most? People are creatures of habit and they do not change. If you resolve to finally get your lazy ass off the sofa and work out, you may last till the end of January before you slink out of the gym with all the other pain in the butt people. Honestly all you are doing is clogging up my gym and making my workout take longer.

Or you talk about finally going on a diet to lose some weight. That one lasts even less than working out. All it takes is one custard filled delight from the bakery to have you hopping of the diet idea and straight on the diabetes train. In this spirit here are the New Year’s resolutions for all 19 EPL teams, plus QPR.

Arsenal:  The Gunner’s resolution is to win games against lower-level sides. Unfortunately they already broke this resolution by drawing with Southampton on New Years Day.

Aston Villa: These plucky youngsters have vowed to begin growing facial hair so they are not mistaken for a wiry bunch of teenagers when heading out on the town

Chelsea: Mr. Abramovich has vowed to have a more level-head when it comes to managers. He is now willing to give them a full match to prove their worth to the club.

Everton: The Toffees have vowed to purchase players in the January window. They also note they are having a sale on office furniture, buy one piece get the other half off.

Fulham: The lads over at Craven Cottage have decided to keep calm and pass Berbatov the ball this year.

Liverpool:  The RS have decided they plan to use a starting lineup for the rest of the season that has fewer goals than Tim Howard. The only change they have to make is removing Luis Suarez from their regular lineup.

Manchester City: The blue side of Manchester has resolved to win a European trophy, as soon as they actually make a knockout round that is.

Manchester United: SAF refused to tell us his New Year Resolution because according to his watch 2013 doesn’t start for another 3 months.

Newcastle: The black and white stripes from up north have decided that they should sell sponsorships for every piece of the stadium possible. The field, the lights, the hair stomachs seen far too often on TV: things like that are all possibilities.

Norwich City: The Canaries recently announced that they will be producing signs for their stadium that say “Not Manchester United”.

QPR: The men from Loftus Road have resolved to play EPL level football in 2013. If you believe that I have a striker from Chelsea I want to sell you.

Reading: The sad fact is no one really cares what Reading’s resolution is.

Southampton: The EPL new guys have decided to play actual defense in 2013. The jury is out after their first game this year because it was against Arsenal.

Stoke City: Tony Pulis’ men resolve to play football so beautiful that Barcelona will ask for their training secrets.

Sunderland: The Black Cats have stated they will be competing for Europe this season. First they need to locate their talent though.

Swansea City: The Swans have resolved to make sure the Michu does not get killed in any more games; he will not play again against Spurs to say the least.

Tottenham: Spurs have promised that this is the year they shore up those late-game collapses, and that they will mind the gap this year.

West Brom:

West Ham: Fat Sam has proclaimed the era of Route 1 football to be at its peak. He then beats Manchester Arabia before losing to Reading.

Wigan: Roberto Martinez has promised that he will not leave Wigan, sadly this is probably true.


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