Here at Four Five Two, we don’t rest or even visit our sick granny in the hospital until we bring you the latest from football all over the world. One of our insiders caught up with L.A. Galaxy’s David Beckham.
(Name Redacted) So David, how are things?
Beckham: Well. It’s nice being a part of the L.A. lifestyle. My wife’s hairstyle and fashion sense is still the go-to for pretentious and narcissistic women everywhere; always nice to see her taking charge as all women should.
(Name Redacted) Yea… I suppose she supported you in your change of fashion sense over the years, particularly with the so called “Beckham Mohawks”.
Beckham: Shove off, tosser! My English-reincarnated mohawks along with the Daniel Day Lewis facial hair optimized male grooming! Who else can get pissed out their tree, strut into a 24/7 barber shop on Rodeo Drive and wake up the next morning with offers for 4 magazine covers and $250,000?
(Name Redacted) Well I guess there’s some truth to that. So, on then to football. You’ve got a big final coming up in the MLS Cup and we’re hearing that it’s going to be your last season at L.A.
Beckham: Right, forgot about that. Been busy ya know; Taking care of the kids, being stuck in front of the mirror, having lunch with actors, all that good stuff.
(Name Redacted) Is that your way of preparing for a big game?
Beckham: No. *Laughs* There’s nothing that keeps you in peak mental form than going around various beaches up and down the coast and “being spotted”, if ya know what I mean, by journalists and fans in nothing but your Calvin Kline undies. That or pretending like I’m on the same level as Premier League players and mentioning that I still talk to them like best mates but pretending to be trying to stay modest at the same time along with flaunting my British-ness to a select few people.
(Name Redacted) Interesting… So you’ve obviously been enjoying your time as a Galaxy player?
Beckham: Of course I’ve enjoyed it! It doesn’t matter how hungover or how tragically awful I play during a match, they love me. Every time I even touch the bloody ball, people are cheering me on. None of them here in L.A. even know who the hell Robbie Keane is and they chant my name and throw confetti no matter WHO scores! I’ve often wondered if they’d still cheer and toss confetti if I turned around and smashed the ball in my own net, they are thick here you know.
(Name Redacted) Why the move then?
Beckham: Well, I came here to live lavishly, play mediocre football and still get praised like a god while telling people that I wanted to “Make ‘soccer’ the most popular sport here in America.” Ha! What bollocks, am I right? It was going well until the likes of Thierry Henry, Robbie Keane, and that lot came and cocked it all up for me.
(Name Redacted) How So?
Beckham: Because these blokes actually came to PLAY! For the most part.
(Name Redacted) Ah. So you’re leaning towards Australia. Why?
Beckham: It can be like here if you think about it. Sandy beaches, the sport is called “soccer”, and the league isn’t really worth watching. Until I get there, that is. And if I play alongside Emile Heskey, that’ll make it all the easier. I gingerly move up the pitch, give him any type of cross, and he’ll put it away, half asleep. We’ll be pretty much on the same page and share the glory as two former Premier League powerhouses. It’ll only be a matter of time ’til I’m idolized there as well. All that plus I phoned Drogba and he told me that while the league is super easy, Shanghai, well China in general, is all arse-over-tit. They don’t get my wife’s fashion sense nor mine, Victoria’s vegan and they eat dogs over there. Tarts. And I’ll be damned if my kids have to learn Chinese.
(Name Redacted) Well David I think that’s your wife’s car pulling up. She doesn’t look happy so I’ll let you get to it.
Beckham: Shit! You’re welcome! No payment necessary, just blast my gorgeous mug on the article. Ta-ta!