Surprised kitty! There’s rare mid-week EPL action today and tomorrow, and while mid-week soccer watching and daydrinking requires both a decent livestream and a flask in a desk drawer for the American soccer fan who also holds down a job, we provide some cues as a public service. (As long as it doesn’t interfere with filing your TPS reports. Remember: Cover sheets.)
Drink when you hear mentions of:
1. Relegation. (You’ll likely hear that with Villa-Reading’s six-pointer today. Relegation starts with R, and so does Reading. Coincidence?)
2. Leighton Baines’ new mustache. It’s the best of the new EPL mustaches. It deserves a month on the 12 Shades of Blue calendar. (Movember, naturally.)
3. Fifth place. Everton-Arsenal, after all, is a crucial tilt for the Europa League spot. Unless there’s some weird scenario in which the sixth place team upsets The Order of Things by winning the Champ — oh, sorry, Chelsea fans. Too soon?
4. West Ham fans. Oh, Hammers, this is why we can’t have nice things. (Props to Allardyce, though, for being a decent human being on this issue.) And at least their game vs. Man U is at Old Trafford, which means …
5. Fergie Statue. (Is someone guarding the statue, by the way? Could someone, say, put a Santa hat on him? I kind of want to.)