News broke over the weekend that “King” Kolo Toure, Manchester City Captain, all around excellent defender, and a guy that had a pretty gentlemanly reputation, carried on an affair with a 22 year-old woman, Kessel Kasuisyo, who was under the impression that she was dating a very successful car salesman named Francois, who frequently traveled to Africa to sell cars, and not represent the Ivory Coast in football.
It turns out that one of Kasuisyo’s friends broke up Kolo’s spot, telling Kasuisyo to search “Kolo Toure,” and also to realize that no car salesman is THAT fit.
What was unreported, however, is that this very activity had become a system for Toure- it seems that the Ivorian is a big fan of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” We at FourFive Two, through our top sources, have uncovered Toure’s unique take on the show’s famed “D.E.N.N.I.S.” system. We publish this hoping to help other footballers and even our dozens of readers to become more prolific lovers:
F: Find an attractive woman who has NO idea of anything regarding football
R: Regale her with tales of trips abroad
A: Avail yourself of her attraction to success in any form
N: Nip off to Africa
C: Concoct a “shell business” that seems common but lucrative and would require frequent travel on weekends
O: Overextend yourself. This can include, but is not limited to, proposing to her while you are already engaged.
I: Inspire hope. If you’ve properly completed “O,” this is pretty much done.
S: Separate entirely (once her friend’s found you out)