1. Suarez and Torres-related fun. Chelsea plays Liverpool on Sunday in their rematch of the thrilling FA Cup finals from last season, aka The Last Game In Which Liverpool Will Be Near Anything Resembling Hardware Until They Play In the Home Depot Next Season. Drink every time either striker misses a shot on goal, can’t get on the end of a ball into the box, or the camera catches them in some sort of pout/scowl. Do a shot each time they dive. (Note: The Girl In the Four Five Two Fantasy League drafted Suarez and Torres in the first two rounds, making her team instantly 1. Good this year and 2. Thoroughly douchy.)
2. Arsenal vs. Fulham. To the delight of 12-year-olds-at-heart on Twitter, the Premier League’s suggested hashtag for this week’s game is #ARSFUL. Follow that thread and drink every time a fan expresses frustation. Take a shot every time Dempsey’s mentioned, even though he’s been gone from Fulham for two months.
3. Norwich vs. Reading: Drink until it’s watchable.
4. Man City vs. Spurs: Drink every time someone stolen from Arsenal touches the ball.
5. Newcastle vs. West Ham. Hey, did you know West Ham striker Andy Carroll used to play at Newcastle? Drink every time someone mentions that. Also, drink every time a forward from Senegal attempts a shot.