Exclusive! Confessions of a Haitian Sensation

Aw yea man

At FourFiveTwo we have sources all over the globe. From Vietnam to Afghanistan, we stop at nothing to bring top rate news to you, our readers. One of our sources met up with Jozy Altidore in a Netherlands bar and passed the following conversation on to us. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Jozy: Man I don’t get it, all I do is score goals over here in the Netherlands and Little Jurgen still won’t call me up. He keeps mentioning something about work ethic. Who the Hell cares about work ethic? I score goals, I act like I care, and I can smoke a fabulous bowl.

Name Redacted: Yea but doesn’t Klnsi have a point Jozy? He wants you to work hard and be successful.

Jozy: He doesn’t care about us being successful; he just cares about qualifying for Brazil. The man was running for this job longer than Mitt Romney has been for President. Didn’t you see how he trashed Bob Bradley during his last years in charge? Little Jurgen may as well have put up a sign that said “Gulati I will do sexual favors for you if you hire me”. It is simply a disgrace.

And now he calls in people like Gomez and Eddie Johnson. I thought Eddie was frikkin dead, and then I heard he moved to Seattle which is the same thing. The last time he scored Bruce Arena was in charge of the national team, and we all know how that turned out. And Gomez is just some old washed up guy. He had to go to Mexico to resurrect his career. Even I wasn’t that desperate when trying to get out of La Liga.

Under Bobby Boy I had an understanding. I would score goals when we really need them and half-ass it the rest of the time. It seemed to work out pretty well. We did make it to the round of 16 in the World Cup. Yea I could have scored a goal or 2 against Ghana, but Bobby never asked so I just loafed around a bit.

Name Redacted: So you’re telling me you could have scored more goals for the Yanks?

Jozy: Oh I could have scored every game. Haven’t you seen what I’ve been doing here in the Netherlands? I scored 3 goals without even trying the other day. Granted the defenders are high as kites in this country, but it isn’t like CONCACAF is this iron fortress of defense. There is a reason they call me the Haitian Sensation after all.

Name Redacted: This is really unbelievable Jozy, it hurts me deep that you didn’t try more.

Jozy: Fuck you man, I’m Jozy Altidore and I score when I want, or if you give me cookies.

There you have it, the complete insider’s account of why Jozy Altidore is on his way out of the USMNT picture.

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