Chicharito Gets His Hopes Up


FourFiveTwo’s intrepid anonymous source once again managed to find Chicharito in a Manchester cantina following his return from international duty with Mexico. This time he seems in high spirits. His margarita-induced comments after the jump.

Orale, cabrón! Everything’s coming up Chicharito lately! I score a golazo-azo for El Tri against those banana boys from Costa Rica, and then I found out RVP left his game for Holland with an injury. Que putito! Robeen wouldn’t last a day in Mexico, no mames. He’s too brittle and girly. With pinche Güeyne Rooney out too, Señor Alex will have no choice but to start me against Weegan. Meester Dimi is gone, Cheenjee Kagawa has a sore back. It’s Chicharito time now, cabrón! Andale, arriba!

Lemme tell you sumsing, vato. If I can score against Los Ticos, I can score against Weegan. Martinez don’t know how to stop me. Then Señor Alex will see that I am muy padre, huevon. He will start me against those pinche turcos from Galata-whatever next week. Padrísimo.

***Saturday morning, somewhere in Old Trafford’s infernal caverns***

SAF: Alright lads, pipe down for a wee minute. Ah’ve been busy all week drinking with Sean Connery in New York and celebrating Andy Murray’s triumph. What a great Scotsman! Truly grrreat. So Ah’ve got no idea what you lot’ve been up to these days. Let’s see what kind of a lineup we can put together, then.

Rio! Can you put yer bloody phone down fer a bleedin’ minute, man? Stop twittering all day like a fairy, won’t ya lass?!

Right then. Van Persie! How’re ya feelin’ today, laddie?

RVP: Never better, sir. Had a knock the other day but I am fine now.

SAF: Good, good. Suit up, then. You’ll start up front with Welbeck. Phelan’ll sort out the rest of you. Try to get us a decent back four, Mike. Ah’ve only got one piece of gum to chew during the match, and it goes bad right quick if we’re not winning.

De Gea! For the love of God, man! Eat something! Have some paella before the match. You’re skin and bones, lad!

Oh, Paco!

Chicharito: Si, Señor Alex.

SAF: Listen up, lad. The missus is adding a new room to Casa del Fergie. She needs a proper bloke who knows how to put up drywall. You’ve done construction before, right? Get over there on the double and lend a hand. That’s a good lad.

Chicharito: Si, Señor Alex.

*******

Chicharito: NOOOOOOOO! ARVEEPEE! PUTITO! I HATE YOU!!! LA CHINGADA!!!

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3 responses to “Chicharito Gets His Hopes Up

  1. My retail French followed by your pretty terrible Spanglish. It’s like we’re a United Nations or something.

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