This is Creepy and You Can’t Unsee It

Skullthroat is very real, and he’s watching you, haunting your nightmares.

That’s right. Lionel Messi’s neck/Adam’s apple/throat appears to resemble a human skull. Clever photoshop? That would be the reasonable reaction in this age of internet tomfoolery. So how about this clip from the toobz?

That’s downright frightening, isn’t it? Yet again, you may be tempted to claim some sort of clever video editing trick. After all, if Christopher Nolan can make Christian Bale look like a crippled, disheveled and starving hobo in one scene and a musclebound caped crusader in the next, surely any old teenager with a pirated copy of Final Cut Studio can make it look like Messi has a skull in his throat.

We think the truth lies somewhere else.

The terrifying truth is that Lionel Messi has been possessed by the spirit of Skeletor. Yes, He-Man’s nemesis. Skeletor has escaped from Eternia and descended upon our humble planet to carry out a convoluted master plan of world domination. After a season in which Messi scored 80 goals, it is now obvious that he is under the control of an alien undead demon lord whose powers have enabled him to go far beyond the capabilities of mere mortals like Sad Clown Cristiano Ronaldo.

A handy web search reveals that Skeletor has many powers that would be invaluable to a player like Messi:

1. The ability to teleport himself and others over vast distances. Ever wonder how the hell a 5’6″ white boy can sprint across a 120 meter field, seemingly in the blink of an eye? Now you know.

2. The ability to send telepathic commands to his minions. Ever wonder why the kids on your AYSO squad can’t seem to get the hang of Barsa’s tiki taka system, no matter how many drills you put them through? Or how Messi manages to get open all the time even though every single person on the pitch and in the stadium knows he’s the most dangerous player on the planet? Isn’t it obvious now? Lord Messi Skullthroat controls the minds of Xavi, Iniesta, and co. to do his bidding.

3. Freezing rays. Every damn time that Messi gets into the pk box with the ball, he chips it over the keeper and into the net. Every keeper in Europe knows Messi is going to do this, yet they never ever jump up and block the chip. Because they’ve been momentarily frozen in their boots by Lord Messi Skullthroat.

Exactly what Skeletor plans to do next with his evil surrogate is unclear. Perhaps win another Champions League trophy? Sure, but that’s a bit boring. Our bet at 452 is that Lord Messi Skullthroat will one day attempt to hypnotize the entire planet and command them to purchase overpriced ugly orange Adidas cleats. So the next time you’re watching Messi play, we beg you please: DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THE EYES OF LORD MESSI SKULLTHROAT. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


3 responses to “This is Creepy and You Can’t Unsee It

  1. Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Thank you, However I
    am encountering problems with your RSS. I don’t understand why I cannot join it.
    Is there anybody getting the same RSS problems?
    Anybody who knows the solution will you kindly respond?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s