Let’s say, for a second, you’re Cristiano Ronaldo. Life’s pretty good, right? You’re an international Eurotrash playboy. Your job is to play soccer for one of the best teams in the world. Your national team didn’t flame out in the Euros this year like it usually does. Your hair has never looked better.
But then, this past weekend, after scoring two goals against Granada — including (trumpets please) GOAL #150 for Real Madrid, you don’t celebrate in your usual way. No hiking up your shorts and pointing emphatically at your thigh. No air boob squeezing. No preening. No posturing. In fact, you don’t celebrate at all. There’s just an eerie silence that even Ray Hudson finds himself unable to fill. A reaction that is explained, in weepy Fernando Torres Livejournal terms, this way:
Specifically, he said this to reporters after the game (as reported by ESPN here): “The people know the reasons why I didn’t celebrate the goals. I don’t do so when I am feeling sadness . . . The appropriate people inside the club know why I’m sad. I won’t say anything more.”
He went on to say that he’s not made about losing the UEFA Best Player in Europe to Andres Iniesta (Mood: jealous) and that he’s hoping to recover from a knock on the leg he got late in that game because the World Cup qualifiers against Luxembourg and Azerbaijan are so important (Mood: Overstating the importance of two cakewalk games, where they could probably start Pepe as striker just for fun).
He then reportedly cried at his locker for 20 minutes. (Or maybe that’s just a really, really cruel rumor floating around.)
So, why so sad? Is he upset about Nuri Sahin leaving on loan, and are we to learn in the weeks to come that they’re secret BFFs? As The Telegraph is speculating, is this all just a crass cash grab, and if so, for the sake of the rest of us jealous of his charmed life, could he please be exiled to Anzhi Makhachkala at the January transfer window? The Telegraph also reports that teammate Kaka is concerned about C-Ron’s happiness, and wants him to know that he has “the support of the whole team” behind him. (Except for maybe the lesser-used forwards who wouldn’t mind more playing time.)
Really, C-Ron? You’re just going to leave Kaka hanging like that? You’re not going to let Kaka try to cheer you up? Just saying his name is delightful — just ask 4-year-old boys around the English-speaking parts of the world embracing fart jokes for the first time.
Perhaps calling up an escort service (allegedly), rolling around in piles of your own money (presumably), and summing up your nights of clubbing abandon by saying “YOLO” (undoubtedly) isn’t enough to blot out the pain of whatever the hell is bugging you, C-Ron. Remember: Kaka’s there for you. There, there. Now get out there, score some goals, and celebrate in embarrassing ways. We love you, C-Ron. We ALL love you.*
* All does not include the world’s 1 billion Barcelona fans