Happy trails to Dimitar “Mittens” Berbatov, who is reportedly headed to Fiorentina. Dimi’s been surplus to requirements at Old Trafford for some time now, even more so with the arrival of Van Persie, and he’s been looking for a way out all summer. The Italian club is looking to solidify their offense in a bid to get into the coveted European cup spots in Serie A.
Of course, here at FourFiveTwo, we know the real reason Dimi wants to go to Florence: getting in on the ground floor of the fashion industry.
It’s no secret that Berba loves the metrosexy ladies man clothes. He’s the Bulgarian CR7. He’d much rather spend an afternoon at the Boggi store trying on open-buttoned silk shirts than doing pesky stuff like training or scoring goals. This move to Florence finally gives him a chance to do what he really enjoys.
A favorite indulgence of Berba’s is fine Italian hair grease. No Bulgarian since Stoichkov has rocked the slicked-back look quite so well. It also helps with aerodynamics on the fashion runway soccer pitch, enhancing Berba’s smooth, languid movements.
Berbatov will also be free to smoke delicious Italian cigarettes in public, as that’s still socially acceptable over there. Buffon smokes a pack a day, which is why he looks 45 even though he’s only 34.
By now you’re probably thinking, “BG, you ignorant slut. Florence is better known for its art history and the winemaking tradition of the Tuscany region than the fashion industry. Berba should have signed with a club from Milan, instead.”
To which I would reply, “STFU and don’t ruin my joke.” Do you know how hard it is to come up with this tripe? Harder than you think, Mr. Smarty Pants I Looked Up Florence’s Economy On Wikipedia.
To punish you for your insolence, here’s another classic shot of Berba embracing his true potential as a fashion icon: