First Soccer Game Transcript

Deep in the archives at FourFiveTwo we have an interesting collection of items. When our summer intern was busy cleaning out some of Maradonna’s coke stash, we stumbled across a unique recording of the first heaven v. hell soccer game. Here is the commentary provided by Ian Darke.

Hello fans I’m Ian Darke, and what we have here is a truly historic moment where Lucifer and Yahweh in the first football match between both sides. This will be the first time the two former colleagues have seen each other, and the build up to the match has not been very holy. But before we get to the action let’s take a look at the starting lineup.

For the Devils, Adolf Hitler gets the start in goal, a rather surprising pick by the Gaffer, Hitler is not known for his commanding reach in the box, but he will murder anyone who gets in his way. In defense Stalin gets the captain’s armband to provide Satan with a true comrade in arms on the pitch. He is partnered there by his always able colleague Lenin. The outside backs for this one are Dani Alves and Chairman Mao. The chairman may be the biggest question mark in defense, but expect Stalin to whip him into shape. In central midfield the duo of Jack the Ripper and Charles Manson are expected to provide a solid foundation for the attack. Their take no prisoners approach means this is going to be a scrappy game for both clubs. Out wide Samir Nasri and Osama Bin Laden get the nod. For Nasri this game will be par for the course, lots of diving combined with indignation at not getting any calls. Mr. Bin Laden does seem pretty shocked coming out of the tunnel; Satan will not be happy if that expression stays on Bin Laden’s face. Up top we have Atilla the Hun and Genghis Khan providing some surprising speed and ruthlessness going forward.

On the other side of the pitch the Saints bring a fantastic defense into the match. They have an astounding 0 goals against average. In goal the Saints savior is Jesus Christ, he has had some spectacular saves in the Just Dead League sponsored by Just for Men. In defense Peter and Judas form a central defensive pairing that has been just spectacular over the past few years.

In central midfield the old-school Moses partners with Mother Teresa. Though getting up in years the two stalwarts are able to thwart most attacks.  In the attacking midfield role is King Solomon. His progressive thinking will make sure this Saints side has enough creative thinking to move forward.  Out wide are midfielders Job and John. Job of course is just making his return from a nasty knee injury that kept him sidelined for the last 5 years. Up top the lone striker is David. Why God decided to go with David we may never know, but if the gamble pays off it will be worth it.


1’: And we are off, the Saints kicking off in white, the Devils in red.

5’: Nervy moments for the Devils here, David getting in a few good opportunities, but Stalin is doing just enough to scare him off.

10’: Oh and that is going to hirt John, Jack the Ripper just laid into him on a late tackle. Shocking that wasn’t a card, but even the Saints sideline isn’t protesting.

35’: An argument is now breaking out between Hitler and Stalin, not sure what caused it, but this could turn nasty for the Devils.

HALFTIME: A very cautious affair in the first half. Neither side has any chances to go ahead,

56’: GOAL DAVID! Oh my it’s incredible! Moses parts the Devil’s defense with a single pass, and the lone striker manages to evade Lenin, juke Hitler, and tap the ball into the open net. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything that beautiful in my life. Jesus is crying in front of his own goal, and Mother Teresa is Tebowing.

69’: CHANCE Attila! Wow Judas just stepped away from the play and let Attila dribble into the area for a shot. Uncommon shakiness from Judas there and Jesus is not pleased.

74’: ANOTHER CHANCE! This time Khan was played in from  along ball by Lenin, once again Judas is just having a shocker of a match. He’s left Jesus out to dry twice, but the savior is playing an inspiried game and will not be scored on

90’: Khan in transition, he’s gone past Peter with an incredible move, he’s closing in on goal, he shoots, Oh My God it’s incredible Jesus saves! Jesus saves! I don’t believe it! What a scintillating save from the man they call the savior.


And that’s the game , truly an amazing victory. David gets the one goal, and Jesus makes some truly spectacular saves to preserve the 1-0 victory. The big talking point though will be the breakdown of the central defense for the Saints. Judas was just awful today, it looked like he wasn’t even trying on some of those shots. Jesus was not happy with him, and we will have more news from this as the situation develops. I’m Ian Darke and thanks for watching.


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