Congratulations on your acceptance into Stud Player Academy. We feel that our academy does the best job of finding and nurturing the soccer stars of the future. Our star-studded group of instructors helps insure that everyone is well-positioned to take advantage of the many opportunities to create a fantastic career.
As we have mentioned before, the standard curriculum for all incoming players is very heavy on the soccer instruction. We recognize this is not always the best study program for everyone, so in addition to the standard program we have the Pele Program and Overrated Youngster Program.
The Pele Program is designed to turn you into one of the greatest players the world has ever seen. Soccer instruction will take place 10 hours day, 6 days a week. The downside to this is your lack of media savvy and ability to capitalize on commercial interests will leave you broke by the time you are forty. In addition, you will regularly stick your foot in your mouth with stupid comments. Eventually you will appear to be a bit of a bitter old man who doesn’t understand the game has passed you by.
The Overrated Youngster Program is one of our newest and fastest growing programs. If soccer isn’t your favorite thing this program puts a heavy emphasis on the commercial aspects of a soccer player, while skimping on the soccer. This program is led by English FA, a group that specializes in created overrated young players who never pan out. In the program students can take classes such as “How to Tweet more and play less”, “Capitalizing on your newfound fame at the expense of soccer”, and our popular “How to party” class.
If you decided to stick with the standard program rather than picking either of these two fine programs of study, we need you to select several electives. These are some of our most popular classes, so make sure you sign up quickly before all spots are filled.
The Art of Diving: (3) Professor Drogba Led by former Chelsea star Didier Drogba, this class teaches students the advanced art of diving. Players will learn how to simulate contact in the box, with special emphasis on the form of throwing oneself into the ground. Note this class is not open to U.S. players
Penalty Kicks 101: (3) Professor Cole The esteemed English left back teaches this class in the art of penalty kicks. Players learn how to hit the crossbar, posts, and the best technique for skying the ball over the goal. Special guest instructor Johnny Heitinga teaches students how to be unbalanced when receiving a shoulder bump on the walk to the penalty kick. Note this class is mandatory for all English players
Racism 101: (3) Professor Suarez Led by one of the leaders in soccer racism, Professor Suarez takes students through the history of racism in soccer. The class also teaches unsuccessful excuses for when the FA will undoubtedly charge you for your statements.
Getting Away with Racism: (3) Professor Terry The second class in our racism minor, Professor Terry teaches students how to get acquitted when they are accused of racism. Topics include faking sympathy, acting indignant, and how to be a giant douche. Note this class will not teach defenses against FA charges
Karate for Beginners: (3) Professor De Jong This class is designed to teach basic martial arts techniques to students. De Jong provides his expertise in kicks to the chest, as well as how to make violent tackles from behind. Guest instructor Howard Webb teaches players how to disguise their attacks to prevent any red cards from being issued. Note due to volatility, we cannot guarantee student safety when alone with Professor De Jong
Soccer Loyalty: (3) Professor Nasri Show some loyalty to your fans and they will repay you with years of cheers. Professor Nasri examines the best ways to get this loyalty from fans and the best ways to exploit it. Topics such as how to sneak out of the club unexpectedly, going for the money, and screwing over Arsenal are all covered.
Math 101: (2) Professor Redknapp Every person needs to know math, and who better to teach this class than the esteemed Professor Redknapp. Mr. Redknapp has been kind enough to join the staff after his departure from Spurs, and he will teach all students the method to his counting madness. This class will cover important topics like wheeling and dealing, the proper way to count taxes, and counting to 11. Note this class cannot be used as a defense in tax evasion trials
101 Uses of Horse Placenta (1) Professor RvP Players have been sustaining injuries at an alarming rate in recent season, and Professor RvP is here to teach the amazing uses of horse placenta. Students will learn how to create placenta baths, placenta wraps, and many other uses of the horse placenta. Note results not guaranteed.
Once again we look forward to hearing from you soon. Remember all players who register by the end of the month receive their very own Joey Barton bobblehead doll.
Four Five Two HQ
Board of Directors, Stud Player Academy