Breaking news out of Afghanistan where the national football federation has announced the creation of a professional soccer league. The league will feature 8 teams, and in a nod to their American overlords the players will be chosen through a sort of reality competition.
Really what could go wrong with a reality show being used to select “professional” athletes. Honestly if MLS selected players this way each season I’d probably watch more. Applicants will be whittled down to groups of 30 players for each team.
Aspiring players will be filmed in 8 different locations, and audiences will have the opportunity to vote for the 18 players who will fill out each squad. Our impeccable Afghan sources have allowed Four Five Two to bring you an exclusive list of the 8 professional teams.
Anguri Assassins: Perhaps the most ruthless team in the league, the Anguri based side is well known for their ability to neutralize the head of any teams attack. Their ferocity has led to 3 games forfeited due to red card accumulation.
Baghlan Burkas: Without a doubt the Burkas are the worst team in the league. The squad has to wear Burkas, and their lack of communication hurts them more than most clubs
Day Chopan Imams: The Imams have had real problems putting the ball into the back of the net recently. Their leading scorer disappeared 4 weeks ago, but a man bearing a striking resemblance can be found on the Guantanamo Grizzlies
Heret Haters: The Haters have the worst fans in the league by far. If Mario Balotelli played in this league, he wouldn’t last through the tunnel walkout against the Haters. One of the unique aspects of the Haters stadium is the ability of fans to throw bags of pig blood at the worst player of the game.
Jalalabad Jews: Recently promoted from the Taliban Championship league, the Jews are in for an easier season. Last year the Jews secured promotion due to bankruptcy in the Championship rather than any talent on the field. At least their few fans can take solace in the fact that the club is the ebst run and will never face insolvency.
Kabul Krazies: These are not your usual Krazies. The Kabul Krazies attempt to be the Globetrotters of the Afghani league. The Krazies spend matches attempting to juggle across the field, perform bicycle kicks, and generally act like a whole team of Christiano Ronaldos. They are our favorite team at FourFiveTwo headquarters because of their perfection of the archer’s bow.
Kandahar Killers: The killers are simply the best team in the league, winning every unofficial title in Afghanistan since Soviet occupation in the 80’s. If anyone wants a shot at the title they are going to have to hope the killers comply.
Mazar-i-Sharif Martyrs: This is the youngest squad in the league, as well as being the squad with the highest turnover. The martyrs have a habit of suffering debilitating injuries on the field when attempting to tackle opposing players. Part of the problem may be their poor field which is used as explosive testing ground.