No, not Guatemalan star Carlos Ruiz. Not even the Guatemalan national team. Chelsea have signed the entire country of Guatemala.
Flush with cash and high on optimism after the club’s Champions League success, Chelsea have signed the nation of Guatemala to a two year contract. Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but estimates have it at around eleventy billion Guatemalan quetzales. That’s roughly the amount of loose change found in the couch cushions on Mr. Abramovich’s super yacht.
Speculation about what exactly the Blues plan on doing with Guatemala is rampant, but here at Four Five Two, we’ve obtained exclusive information. All will be revealed, after the jump.
After the Battersea Power Station deal fell through, Chelsea have had a difficult time finding suitable real estate in the London area to build a new stadium. With low cost construction labor and even lower cost groundskeeping crews, Guatemala could be the perfect locale for Chelsea to build a Stamford Bridge replacement. The club has reportedly hired an architectural firm to study the possibility of building a stadium on the site of the Tikal Maya ruins (pictured above). What could possibly go wrong?
Roman Abramovich has approached Mel Gibson about directing Chelsea’s season review DVD. Though excited about working with fellow bigot John Terry, Gibson has demanded that highlights from the season be reenacted on location in the jungles of Guatemala. All dialogue and narration is to be done exclusively in the Yucatec Maya language. This is the apocalyptic season review DVD to end all season review DVDs. Call now to pre-order your copy.
There’s also talk of expanding into the food industry. Chelsea could be buying up farmland and factories in Guatemala to develop a line of Chelsea-themed food products to sell at Stamford Bridge and at local grocery stores in West London. Products would include:
Petr Cech Mix party snacks
Ashley “Popped Cherry” Cole-a soft drinks
Malouda’s French Dark Roast coffee
Eden Hazard Belgian Waffles
Plans to produce Falcao “60% Cacao” Premium Dark Chocolate bars have been put on hold for now.
An extra bonus for Chelsea in venturing into the food industry is that they would no longer have to pay out the contracts of fired managers sitting on private beaches in the Mediterranean. They would simply be demoted and sent to finish out their deals doing hard labor on the plantations. Roberto Di Matteo is said to be headed there around mid-November.
Although these details come from trusted sources inside Stamford Bridge, there hasn’t been any official confirmation yet. However, we can confirm that by signing Guatemala, Chelsea have obtained the rights to produce cheap knockoffs of the Guatemalan national team kit to use next season:
Reached for comment on this deal, the people of Guatemala had this to say:
“Señor Román, he change hees mind all the time. Today he geeve us mucho dinero to work for him, tomorrow he might let us go. It is no problem. We can make many, many tamales with the money he gave us. He ees a very generous man.”
Look for Chelsea in their Chapines strip during their US tour later this month, and if Chelsea releases Guatemala or transfers the country to Manchester City, you’ll hear it here first.