452’s players to watch during the Semis like a Penn State Coach during recess

We’ll keep an eye on the Euros for you, Mr. Wayne. But just this once. And then we’re through.

With the 2012 Euros beginning their Semi Finals tomorrow, we understand that the world’s eyes will be focused on Poland and Ukraine for the first time since WWII. Given this, it is particularly fitting that all four of Europe’s most prominent fascist nations are the ones left in the tournament.

So to help you get ready, we here at Four Five Two, the Internet’s foremost authority on formerly fascist football, are here to highlight the top players to look out for during the next two semis.

Suck it, Roger Milla.

Mario Balotelli

Since crazy hair=important to the match, Mario is the man for Italy. Will he pull a once in a lifetime goal out of his ass for Italy? Will he have a curse word shaved into his head? Will he get an early red card for petulant behavior? Will he breathe fire and cook hot dogs on the bench? Will his head turn into a balloon that finally allows Sepp Blatter to travel the world in 20 days? Nobody knows, but all of these things are a very realistic possibility.

Torres during the Champions League Final

Fernando Torres

Its easy to forget how good Torres used to be, but if he regains his form this week, he can be extremely danger-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ok. Sorry. He’s totally starting on the bench as Spain goes for their unique all midfielders formation. What makes him important to the match is his hilarious sulking. Will he bother celebrating on the bench? How hilarious will his frustrations be when he fails to walk one over the goal line? Can he reassert himself as Spain’s deserved striker? The answers, of course, are No, So hilarious, and lol no.

And you thought Der Mannschaft was scary before

Space Jockey

The freakiest part of Alien that everyone forgets has been having a bit of renaissance of late thanks to both his appearance in Prometheus and as a member of the German national team. At over eight feet tall and covered in H.R. Geiger’s visual interpretation of Bayern Munich’s 10th title run, the Space Jockey specializes in dominating in air, playing excellent defense, and spreading dangerous xenobiological hazards throughout the galaxy. Expect something to explode out of someone’s chest before this is all said and done. Hopefully, it’ll be John Terry’s chest. Unless of course, the Space Jockey is as polite as England’s brave John Terry and pays for an abortion.

No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to concede a corner kick.

Bruno Alves

When thinking of Portugal, most thoughts turn to the danger posed by Cristiano Ronaldo, and rightly so. The Real Madrid winger is one of the most dangerous players in the world. However, one would be foolish to overlook the problems caused by Bruno Alves. Better known to the world as Jaws, a deadly opponent of secret agent James Bond, Alves will be a terror for opposing defenses throughout the tournament with his height and ripping out tendons from their necks with his metal coated teeth. Time will only tell if other teams’ ability to practice against him through Goldeneye multiplayer will hurt him in the Iberian derby.

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