Mo money, mo success. *Offer not valid in Liverpool

UEFA President Michel Platini, who is concerned about money in football

There’s a lot of money floating around world football. Despite record profits in the premier league this year, English teams spent all of it and more. This past year, 11 of the Premier League’s 20 clubs made losses, totaling at 458 million pounds. It would be nice to think that these losses could actually affect these clubs going forward, but in all likelihood, the only effect they will have is a brief frown from these owners aboard their yachts after they are interrupted from their afternoon orgy by their supermodel accountant.

Sheikh Mansour adding competition to the premier league, delightful decadence to his belly.

Manchester City was blazing new trails in deficit spending with a resounding 197 million pound loss. The citizens are owned by Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, who has more money than God, Disney, Mitt Romney, and the New York Yankees combined. He is so rich that not only can he afford to pay for the ridiculous collection of insanely talented footballers who won the title, but he can also pay for Carlos Tevez to play golf in Argentina for most of the season and for Emmanuel Adebayor to play for another team in the same league as City. And after all that, he probably has enough left over in his wallet to cover the Glazer’s debts and buy dinner for Grant Holt. Think about how many pies that is. And he can still afford a title winning team. Gaze upon his oil, ye mighty, and despair.

Former noveau riche trouble maker Roman Abramovich was next in line, with 68 million pounds in losses at Chelsea, a positively modest figure in today’s climate. Taking a break from his caviar bath in his helicopter yacht, Abramovich injected 94 million pounds into the Chavs, helping to push them to victory in the FA Cup, victory in the Champions League, and a mighty sixth place in the Premier League. Lest you think Chelsea is just another example of global capitalism run amuck, one should not ignore their sizable charitable donations to the underprivileged of the Iberian peninsula who find themselves unable to contribute to society in any meaningful capacity.

Will you join Roman and help these poor itinerant Iberians find purpose for their lives?

Hilariously coming in at third is Liverpool, which lost 49 million pounds during the first eight months of owner John Henry’s reign. These funds helped Liverpool win the Carling Cup. More importantly, they brought joy to the fans of every other team in the Premier League, as they saved everyone’s favorite woebegone horse Andy Carroll from a trip to the glue factory and gave us hours and hours of laughs from watching Stuart Downing attempt to play football. And just when you believe it can’t get any better, they also helped tarnish the legacy of club legend Kenny Dalglish!

Carroll, thy name is Barbaro

I, for one, would like to thank Liverpool FC for proving that money, in fact, can buy happiness. Even if its not your own.