The 5 Stages of Grief: EPL Style

This is what I think of your whining

For many fans, soccer is much more important than just about anything in the world, even life itself. People live and die with their teams triumphs and failures, which makes it all the more interesting that Liverpool still has so many fans. Nonetheless, at Four Five Two we have broken down the 5 stages of grief and tried to guess just where some of this year’s teams fans would fit.

Denial: Liverpool

Listening to Liverpool fans would make you think the club had actually won a

This about sums up the RS

title in the past 20 years or so. Shockingly enough they haven’t, which is why the teams fans are firmly in the denial camp. Liverpool had an absolute shocker of a season, and for only the second time in the EPL they finished below Everton. Unfortunately even this tragedy glorious occasion has not parted to clouds around the supporters. Some message board gems include the comments, “We are only a good player or two away from competing for the title, ” and, “This team has all the makings of a European champion.” News for all you soccer fans out there; when one of your center backs is Jamie Carragher, your chances of winning anything are lower than those of Wolves winning a title. Maybe another decade of mediocrity will help these fans realize the club isn’t as special as they want it to be.

Anger:Manchester United

After blowing an 8 point lead for the title, as well as crashing out of the Champion’s League, Europa League, FA Cup, and Carling Cup, things are not good for the red side of Manchester. SAF has probably kicked several pairs of cleats around his office, and if Wayne Rooney ever leaves the club you can point to this offseason as the catalyst. Even the return of the mighty Paul Scholes wasn’t enough to save the club, and I’m shocked Manchester isn’t burning from all the Red Devils anger.

Bargaining:  Chelsea

After a long decade of futility, Dear Roman has finally gotten his hands on the Champion’s League trophy he craved. It took sacking a manager he paid 15 million quid for, as well as losing his Racist-In-Chief to suspension, but the Russian tycoon now has the most elusive prize. He was even able to win it on penalties, against Ze Germans no less. The only real question now is what did this victory cost Chelsea? Drogba is on his way out, and my guess is Torres won’t follow him unfortunately.

Depression:  Spurs

First let me get something out of the way. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok, now it is time to listen for the sounds of self-pity emanating from White

Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get the fuck over it

Hart Lane. Lorber has even gone on vacation to Costa Rica to get away from the depression that is his fellow Spurs fans. Plus the beer there can get you drunk pretty quickly. After a dream season that culminated in a brief 2 week period where the club was in title contention, everything came crashing down during the last two months. It was like a lead balloon that quickly became a train wreck to watch. At least Spurs fans have Thursday nights in Eastern Europe to look forward to, although Peter Crouch won’t be with them to sample the local delicacies.

Acceptance: Everton

Yet another depressing season for Evertonians, but no one should be that shocked. Until a new oil sheik arrives, Everton will always be doomed to competing for an outside chance at a Europa League berth. Occasionally they will also get a deep cup run in, but the lack of investment will prevent much European glory.  Sensible fans understand this, although we cringe at every loss, and demand better from the club. No one can say we deserved to finish higher, but we all secretly dread the day David Moyes leaves this club.

 

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6 responses to “The 5 Stages of Grief: EPL Style

  1. He’s just happy that Everton are now not the only team to suffer the ignominy of qualifying for the CL only to be bounced out by a team below you winning the damn thing.

  2. Actually they changed the rule because of ‘Pool and Everton, we just didn’t win in the qualifying stages /goes in corner and cries

  3. I liked that “lead balloon – train wreck” metaphor. It reminded me of a drunken hook-up: you can’t remember where it started, and wasn’t sure where it was going, but you felt satisfied at the end. Which was also a period.

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