FourFiveTwo’s EPL Flops of the Season

Carlos Tevez worms his way back into our hearts.

Another season come and gone. There were highs and lows. We laughed and we cried. We held each other gently in the night. And now it’s all over. Eighthpool surpassed all expectations and finished even lower than last season. Spurs collapsed in true Spursian fashion. Man City showed us all that if you truly believe, you really can buy miracles.

But just because the season’s over doesn’t mean we have to stop talking about it. Yesterday we brought you our team of the season. Today we continue our 2011/2012 Premier League post-mortem and bring you the worst of the worst. We present to you the flops of the season, laid out in our favored 4-5-2 formation.

Goalkeeper

Márton Fülöp – Some of you may be asking yourselves, how does a man who has more umlauts in his name than league appearances this season make it onto this list? Well then some of you clearly did not see his performance against Arsenal on the final day of the season to hand them third place ahead of Spurs.

For Arsenal’s first, he stormed out of the net and performed an exquisite dummy on himself to allow Benayoun to slot home the opener. He then gifted them the winner by charging down a corner kick and palming it backwards directly to the feet of the waiting Koscielny.

The fact that Spurs brought him to the EPL in the first place only makes it hurt worse.

“Shit, I haven’t played in so long, I just remembered I’m allowed to use my hands.”

Defenders

Alan Hutton – Alan Hutton is a headless chicken masquerading as a footballer. After excelling in Scotland, a metric that means absolutely nothing anywhere else in the world, he came to England and has since become a liability everywhere he’s played. Hutton was once billed was the “white Cafu”. More like the “shite Cafu”, amirite?

Per Mertesacker – The lumbering German oaf lost six times in Arsenal colors. They were all probably his fault. He’s a cumbersome giant who moves like a water buffalo in quicksand. The man makes Peter Crouch look elegant by comparison.

After he went down for the season in February, Arsenal went on the run that saw them surge into third, while only losing twice the rest of the campaign. Coincidence?

Roger Johnson – The Wolves captain was expected to be the rock at the heart of their defense. Instead he put in shiftless performances, tried to fight Wayne Hennessey on the middle of a match, and showed up to training drunk. Bravo, Roge.

Scott Dann – 3 own goals, 2 successive relegations, 1 ruptured testicle.

Coming soon to a European Championship near you!

Midfielders

Jordan Henderson –  The £20 million ex-England U-21 captain had a dazzling breakout season at Sunderland last year. And then Liverpool happened.

Whatever talent he once had has seemingly evaporated. This season he’s played as a central midfielder, right winger, and just off the striker, despite lacking the ability to play any of them adequately. And despite Kenny having no idea what to do with him, he’s continued to give Henderson games.

His versatile mediocrity led to the unhappy accident of Henderson making more appearances for Liverpool than any other player.

Charlie Adam – The heartbeat of everybody’s favorite Blackpool team. According to Fergie, his set pieces alone were worth £10 million. And then Liverpool happened.

Since his move, his set pieces have failed to deliver. (GET IT??) He’s either too slow or too stupid or too both to effectively pull the strings in Liverpool’s midfield. He also has a smile like tombstones in a rainy graveyard.

Stewart Downing – Liverpool didn’t happen to Stewart Downing, Stewart Downing happened to Liverpool. The man who got his job via doctored viral video has been an abomination of average his entire career and surprised nobody when his £20 million move to Liverpool didn’t herald an immediate return to the Champions League for his new employers.

And after a season where he contributed 0 goals and 0 assists, Roy Hodgson decided to put him on a plane to Ukraine for this summer’s Euros.

Joey Barton – The Premier League’s preeminent pascifist/twitter philosopher wisely jumped from the sinking Newcastle ship at the beginning of the season. He was inches away from landing at Arsenal, when a typically Bartonesque altercation with Gervinho and Song cost him his dream move. And me my much anticipated schadenfreude.

He wound up at QPR where he was inexplicably named captain. His performances on the pitch were a mix of callous apathy and calculated brutality. He ended the season as he began it – receiving a red card for starting a brawl. Shockingly, QPR are looking to offload him this summer.

Samir Nasri – The ex-Arsenal mercenary is a smug little shit who chased the fat stacks of oil cash to warm the bench all season and yet somehow has the gall to talk shit to the fans of his former club where he made his name.  He also has one of the most punchable douchefaces you’ll ever see.

Who among you can look at this without wanting to feel his jawbone shatter under the weight of your fist?

Look at that picture. I would punch through my monitor just to stop looking at it and maybe pretend, if only for a second, that it was his horrible little face collapsing around my fist instead of my computer.

Forwards

Fernando Torres – For an insight into the misery of Torres’s season, just read his livejournal. It’s ok, I’ll wait. I don’t mind.

He hit the crossbar more times than he hit the back of the net. And I vaguely remember something about a wide open goal against Manchester United. I dunno. It’s probably not important.

Poor Fernando. We love you but you’re terrible.

Andy Carroll – The ’80s hair metal singer-cum-striker tallied four goals and two assists this season for Merseyside’s second best team. It’s a good thing he left relegation-bound Newcastle when he did.

Good luck at the Euros, Andy.

Manager

Kenny Dalglish – After coming in to replace the woefully incompetent Roy Hodgson, big things were expected from the man they call King. He was supposed to be the dawning of a new era. But alas.

Off the pitch, he embarrassed himself and the club by backing Suarez’s racist antics. On the pitch, he inherited largely the same squad Woy had last year, spent £100 million on new players, and managed to do even worse. Sadly, he has been sacked by Liverpool’s board.

This is a tragic day for Liverpool fans, but even more tragic for the rest of us. Who could they possibly find to steer them to lower depths than they’ve already sunk?

Long live the King. Your bumbling ineptitude shall not be easily replaced.

Honorable mentions go to John Terry, Luis Suarez, Aaron Ramsey, Carlos Tevez, Mario Balotelli, Charles N’Zogbia, and Owen Hargreaves.
Anyone we missed?
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