Harry Redknapp’s England

The season’s finally over, innit, so now I can focus on me proper job.

Oi, ‘Arry Redknapp ‘ere.

Right. First of all, I want ta fank the FA for givin’ me this chance ter manage me country. It’s a right proper honor.

After Sven, that weird Dutch bloke, and Don Fabio, it’s about time England were managed by a proper Englishman an’ not some Johnny Foreigner.

It looks like all the uvver national team managers are namin’ their squads, so I betta’ name me own before they take all the top lads. Try and out wheel-and-deal me, eh? Not bloodly likely.


David James – Jamo’s a top lad. I’ve worked wiv ‘im at West ‘am and Po’tsmouth, and we all I know wot ‘e’s capable of. And since ‘e ‘asn’t ‘ad a game in a while, I know ‘e’ll be fresh for the Summer.


Glen Johnson – Glen would still be sittin’ in Chelsea’s fackin’ reserves if I didn’t give ‘im a lifeline at Po’tsmouth, and now look at ‘im. Best right back in the world, ain’t ‘e? Top lad.

Rio Ferdinand – We all know Rio, don’t we? Gave ‘im ‘is chance when ‘e was just a pup in the academy, didn’t I? Great bloke. Real top lad.

Sol Campbell – Oh, what can you say about Sol? ‘e’s a real professional, ain’t ‘e? Signed ‘im up at Po’tsmouth when everyone said ‘e was past it, didn’t I? Great bit o’ business, that. Would’ve ‘addim at Spurs too if I could, but they’da ‘ad me ‘ead for it. Top lad.

Matthew Taylor – ‘ave you seen Matty put ‘is foot through the ball? ‘e’s scored some real crackers, ‘asn’t ‘e? When I ‘ad ‘im at Po’tsmouth ‘e’d bang ’em in from firty, forty yards out. Goals win you games, I always say. Always good to ‘ave a lad who likes to ‘ave a crack. Matty’s a top lad.


Joe Cole – What, you fink just because ‘e’s off in France I’d forget about little Joey? Not on your life mate. ‘e’s the best talent of ‘is generation ‘e is. I should know, I’m the one brought ‘im out of the academy back in me West ‘am days. Good as Leo Messi ‘e is. Just ask Steven Gerrard. Said so ‘isself, ‘e did. A real top lad.

Frank Lampard – Little Frank, o’course yeah e’s me nephew, but don’t fink ‘e’s ‘ere just ’cause ‘es family. Tidy little player, ‘e is. Everyone knows what Frank’s all about. ‘e’s a top lad.

Kyle Walker – Good lad, Kyle Walker. I gave ‘im ‘is shot at Spurs this season and now ‘e’s in the Team of the Season, ain’t ‘e? Right back, right wing, makes no difference to Kyle. Bags of pace in ‘im. What else can I say? ‘es a top lad.

Michael Carrick – Top, top lad.

Scott Parker – Top, top, top lad. Real tip top.


Jermain Defoe – You need a lad to get you goals, ‘e’ll get you goals. ‘e’s got bags of goals in ‘im. We’ve all seen it. ‘e’s scored goals for me at West ‘am, Po’tsmouth, and Spurs. Not much else you can say about ‘im is there? ‘e’s got goals for days, ‘asn’t ‘e? Top lad. Top, top lad. Tip top. Toppest. The toppest of lads.

They tell me I’m supposta ‘ave twenty-free players in me squad, but that’s just a waste of plane fare, innit? What you need twenty-free of ’em for anyhow? You can only stick eleven of ’em on the pitch at a time.

What you mean squad rotation? You ‘avin’ a laugh? Whatta you fink vis is? I’m just a football manager, not the bloody Queen.


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