Interesting news coming out of Anfield this morning: it seems Kenny Dalglish suffered a bit of a mental breakdown following Saturday’s FA Cup loss. The Scottish manager was seen sitting in a corner, staring at the wall and mumbling incoherently. In an effort to prop up his fragile psyche, his assistants have devised a rather amusing plan.
King Kenny has been led to believe that today’s Premier League match against Chelsea is a do-over.
Speaking to an editor for Liverpool’s official web site, Kenny said in his best Glasgow brogue, “I’m delighted the FA have decided to hand us this opportunity to replay the match at home. Hopefully this time the result will be different and we can lift the cup.”
The coaching staff at Liverpool apparently told their boss that the English FA have reviewed the cup final and, in an extraordinary measure, decided to vacate the title won by Chelsea at Wembley, granting Liverpool a replay match today at Anfield. They even went so far as to print up some fake newspaper headlines about it, which were casually placed next to his bowl of corn flakes at the breakfast table yesterday morning.
Everyone, from the ownership on down through the squad and even to the ball boys and Anfield Cat have been instructed to behave around Kenny as if today’s match really is a replay of the cup final. Should Liverpool win tonight, there will be streamers and confetti in the stadium, then Kenny will be quickly shepherded into the dressing room, where club officials will congratulate him and players will hand him the cup (a plastic replica of the club’s 2006 trophy). Players will pop open champagne bottles and Kenny will be shown footage of fans celebrating in the streets of Liverpool (also from the 2006 cup win).
Kenny’s friends and family are hopeful that this stunt will succeed in restoring his mental health, although privately they’re worried about what will happen when he finally does find out the truth. A team of psychiatrists and psychologists is on call to monitor his progress. Should things turn sour, plans have been made to temporarily keep Kenny at Ashworth Hospital for further treatment.