Fear Not, United Fans, Michael Owen is Back

Is he wearing a flak jacket?

Good news for Manchester United fans heading into the derby on Monday: Michael Owen is back! Oh what joyous glad tidings! I’ve been saying for weeks now that what this team’s really missing is a thirty-something, chronically-injured 5’8″ forward. If only he’d been available against Everton, perhaps Pienaar’s goal could have been avoided!

Though everyone’s certain he’s the Manchester Messiah, come at this grave hour to shepherd us through the Valley of the Shadow of Second Place, brave little Michael James, who’s finally overcome the nagging thigh injury that’s kept him sidelined since November 2nd, is nonetheless exuding humility:

“I can’t imagine myself getting back and starting in the XI. My mindset has got to be get myself ready mentally, physically and everything else because I might be needed for 10 or 20 minutes at a late stage of the season. Who knows? It could be the last game of the season at Sunderland. I might have built up enough, whether playing in a reserves game or two, and then that’s fine.”

Yes, yes. He’ll be ready for the final ten minutes of the Sunderland match. Not a moment too soon, right? What’s that? Carlos Tevez will be sipping champagne out of the league trophy by then? It matters not, for Michael Owen has returned like the Phoenix rising from the ashes of an ultimately disappointing career that peaked too soon.

With Owen back, United is a lock to win their 20th Premier League title.

/SARCASM

Unless he’s spent his time since November 2nd constructing a time machine with which to replace himself with 2003 Michael Owen, he’s just wasting everybody’s time.

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