Four Five Two Exclusive: We were recently given an opportunity to chat with a member of the grounds crew at Stamford Bridge in the run-up to today’s Champions League semifinal between Chelsea and Barcelona. They’ve come up with some dastardly plans to help John Terry Roberto Di Matteo get an edge on Pep’s Boys. All will be revealed, after the jump.
For starters, they’re doing some painting: the endlines of the pitch have been moved in six inches in order to ensure that Juan Mata’s shots actually do cross the goal line.
According to our source, known only as Peter the Pensioner, “We talked to the grounds crew at Wembley and they admitted that the endlines had been drawn several inches too far back. We also spoke to Atkinson and he said he knew about the error, which is why he called Mata’s shot a goal.”
How observant of the much-maligned whistle man.
Peter continued, “We don’t want to leave any room for doubts against the Catalans, so the pitch will be six inches shorter on each end. That way, all shots on target will definitely cross the line.”
The Stamford Bridge crew apparently also discussed widening the goal and raising the crossbar to keep Torres from clanging so many shots off the posts, but they ultimately backed down from this plan after considering what Messi could do if the goals were any bigger.
To stop the diminutive Argentine in his tracks, Peter devised a plan to install pop-up sprinklers (see photo, top) in specific areas of the pitch (especially on the right wing, where Messi starts most of his trademark goal runs). These can be deployed at a moment’s notice to deliver a blast of ice cold water right in Leo’s face. David Luiz was reportedly concerned that a sudden jet of water could mess up his perm, but his fears were assuaged when it was pointed out that he most likely won’t be anywhere near the play when Messi gets the ball.
We reached out to the Barcelona squad for comment on all this and Dani Alves had this to say:
“The Bloos, they are such poossies! They scared of us, you know? They leetel cheekens! We do not care about these dirty tactics. In Meelan, the peetch barely have grass, you ‘member? And who wins? Barça! Barça always win. Chelsea think ref give them all the calls? We get twice as many calls. All we have to do is run into the box and fall over like dead tree. PENALTI. Cole gets red card. Messi scores. Game over.”
A shocking, but not entirely surprising revelation from the Brazilian. Sounds like it’s back to the drawing board for Peter the Pensioner and the Stamford Bridge grounds crew.