Balotelli Selects Role Model, Chooses Poorly

In order to find his equal, Balotelli is forced to talk with God.

After exploding his own bathroom earlier in the year Mario Balotelli had kept things fairly tame until recently clashing with teammates in the middle of a game and being foolishly sent off against Arsenal a few weeks back.

Manchester City boss strongly implied he would have no further use for the mercurial striker and most assume he’s back off to Italy sometime this summer.

But Super Mario has since claimed to have been deeply affected by the on-field death of his former Azzurrini teammate Piermario Morosini and vows to change his ways.

He has rejected reports that he intends to seek psychological counseling but has decided to look for guidance and motivation from some more experienced footballers as he attempts to turn his behavior, reputation, and career around.

Seems like a wise, possibly even mature thought process.

That is until Balotelli revealed he has chosen none other than Carlos Tevez to be the source of his inspiration.

Yes, it seems that the Argentine, who spent the vast majority of this EPL season pouting at home in South America is the man who Balotelli feels can show him a path to redemption.

What's so funny? We could have sources.

If I were him, I might wait to see just how long Tevez stays determined to actually help the team he abandoned for so long, but patience doesn’t really seem to be Mario’s style does it?

No word yet on if Balotelli will start his own cumbia band and take extended, unauthorized vacations from future employers in an effort to be more like his new mentor.

But here at FourFiveTwo we have scoured our sources and actually got our hands on a copy of the shortlist of other resilient candidates Mario might have chosen as his new positive example:

Joey Barton

Overcame teammate’s pesky eyeball, 15-year old hecklers, and actual jail time to return to making a major impact with past and near future Championship side QPR

John Terry

– Overcame being ugly as sin to sleep with good-looking WAG of teammate Wayne Bridge. Overcame that scandal to racially abuse brother of England teammate Rio Ferdinand. Overcame his own eyesight to celebrate recent “goal” by his teammate Juan Mata, who he refers to affectionately as a “dirty, dirty Spaniard.”

Eric Cantona

– Overcame assault charge and 120 grueling hours of community service to win more titles with Manchester United. Now has time to be a terrible actor and direct an imaginary football club.

Ryan Giggs

– Overcame extramarital affairs, and nearly the British justice system, to continue winning trophies, including Premier League’s Hairiest Player 19 years running.

Jens Lehmann

Overcame batshit insanity, love of “watersports” to record unbeaten season with Arsenal and 61 caps for Germany. Has somehow managed to avoid ever being savagely beaten by Oliver Kahn.


9 responses to “Balotelli Selects Role Model, Chooses Poorly

  1. Well done. Adding my own:

    Luis Suarez – Overcame simple cultural misunderstanding, 8 match ban, and unfortunate handshake incident to win Carling Cup and reach FA Cup final.

  2. Ashley Cole – Overcome being a money grubbing dickbag, a string of infidelities, and divorce from the woman who was basically the only reason anyone ever liked him in the first place to fail in 6 successive international tournaments for a country he essentially plays for by default.

  3. The Welsh God–Overcame an overbite and at times a worrying lack of hair gel to become the greatest footballer this side of Maicon.

  4. Nikky Pink Boots–Overcame the absence of a belt coming out of a night club one time along with overcoming the inability to score to still be employed.

  5. Ledley King–Overcame the lack of cartilage in his knees to actually play high level football (but not lately)

  6. Harry Redknapp–Overcame adult illiteracy & tactical unawareness to be the leading candidate to take Schteve McClaren’s umbrella back.

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