Earlier this month, Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish blamed Liverpool Football Club’s bad luck this year on a “conspiracy” against his team.
This claim leads to an obvious question: who couldn’t keep their fucking mouth shut?
Look, remember before the season? When everyone who wasn’t a Liverpool fan got together? Remember how we all packed into that gymnasium? I know you all remember how crowded it was. It was like the TARDIS in a bingo hall with B.O. to spare
Anyway, my point is, it was a huge pain in the ass to get THAT many people together in a space that small and THEN get everyone there to agree to screw over Liverpool Football Club. I mean, we had EVERYONE.
We got fans to agree to taunt Luis Suarez mercilessly. We got Andy Carroll’s friends to agree to take him out for beer and whiskey every weeknight. We got referees to make sure no call went Liverpool’s way. We got the groundskeeper to fuck up the pitch so Andy would be constantly tripping over himself. We got Aston Villa to release videos to fool John Henry into overspending on Stewart Downing. We got adidas to stop making their shirts. And we got every black person in England to pay extra special attention to anything Liverpool did that might be even vaguely racist!
We even got the bloody animal shelter to release animals onto the pitch at Anfield!
It was all planned out. After their European Cup win in 2005, we were sick of Liverpool dominating the football landscape. So people across the world of football started to get together. For SEVEN YEARS we negotiated and compromised. If people put this much work into world peace we’d all be living on an episode of Star Trek by now. But after all that work we finally came to an accord: everyone in world football would work together to ensure that Liverpool would drift into midtable obscurity.
It should go without saying, but let me make it clear: THIS WAS A LOT OF FUCKING WORK.
And now some cock has gone and spoiled it for the rest of us.
Now that Kenny knows what happened he will surely bring the full weight of Liverpool’s insufferable tradition to bear and ensure that Liverpool qualify for Champions League football this year, win the title next year, and that no one anywhere ever walks alone again. We can see it already. He’s gotten rid of our inside man: Damien Comolli. What if he figures out that Charlie Adam and Jordan Henderson are part of the plan too?!
Its too late. Kenny’s gonna fix everything and turn Liverpool back into the winningest club in the history of the world. Barcelona will look like Wolves compared to them. Get your bets in for the 2012 Euros, the 2013 Champions League, and the 2014 World Cup – Liverpool’s going to win them all.
All that hard work down the drain because someone couldn’t keep their mouth shut.
Thanks, dickhead. I hope Carragher steals all of your hubcaps.