High Level Discourse on Tottenham’s Problems

So that's Lorber on the left, Skipjack in the middle, and Brian on the right?

FourFiveTwo, the internet’s leading source for elevated football discussion, is fortunate to be home to not just one, but two Tottenham Hotspur fans. In the wake of yesterday’s disappointing loss to Norwich, they got together to have a calm and rational discussion of Tottenham’s woes. Their polite and academic discussion is reproduced below.

Skipjack: So Harry Redknapp. Fuck that guy, huh?

Lorber: Completely fuck that guy.

Lorber: The sooner England takes him off our hands the better. Actually, at this point, I don’t even know why we’re waiting for them to come calling. Fire that jowly cockney motherfucker ASAP. Harry OUT.

Skipjack: Oh I remember the heady days of having a 10 point lead on Arsenal and laughing at gooners like an aristocrat chuckling at the starving proletariat from his solid gold hot air balloon. White Hart Lane rang out with chants urging Harry to stay in the face of the sirens of the FA. Now we’re pissing away leads like we’re the Red Sox in September, Norwich (NORWICH!) is beating us at home, and any hope we had of the Champions League next year is vanishing like a meat pie in Harry’s fat face.

Lorber: We have taken 5 points out of 24 in our last 8 matches. FIVE. I don’t even have the ability to come up with witty gold hot air balloon metaphors to talk about this. This is fucking inexcusable. We have taken fewer points per game over the past 8 matches than Wolves are averaging this season in last place. We deserve to be relegated for playing like this. Mick fucking McCarthy would have gotten more out of this team than Harry has over the past 8 matches.

Fuck you Harry. You’re supposed to be some big shit man manager, always filling your players with confidence and getting them to play to the best of their ability. Well what the fuck are you doing? Every player on this team looks like a lazy asshole who can’t be bothered to give a shit. Why is this allowed to happen? You have literally no other attributes as a manager. You haven’t bought a single star player for the team, your tactical acumen is laughably nonexistent. Your only reason for existing is to make players feel good about themselves so they can go run about and play well. And you can’t even accomplish that. Jog on, you fat fuck.

Skipjack: Let us not excuse the players from this entire debacle. To be sure, we have not played completely abysmally, there have been plenty of good spells in these matches, but there was a sequence in today’s match that seemed to sum up Spurs’ problem. Bale gets himself into a nice position, whacks it into the crossbar, then Norwich takes it down the field and scores when King switches off. We have two modes right now: can’t finish and can’t defend and we frequently play them at the same time. Spurs desperately need new strikers, but we need to sort out our defense as well. Ledley King is probably deserving of a place in Spurs all time Starting XI, but I think his days as a regular starter are done.

Yet, as bad as we played today, it’s still no excuse for starting Defoe AND Saha up top. Who the fuck needs to hold the ball up? Let’s put tweedle dee and tweedle run at them up there and see what happens. Fucking Harry.

Lorber: No, the players absolutely can’t be let off the hook. Gareth Bale doesn’t remember what it’s like to play like he cares. He fuckin runs about, plays right wing, plays center forward, and sometimes remember he’s a left winger and puts in some good crosses. Saha? I’m not even sure why he’s on this team. After being completely mediocre for a mediocre Everton side (who, incidentally, just laid a 4-0 beat down on a Sunderland team we couldn’t come close to scoring against two days ago), Harry looked at this mediocre shitsack and said, “Oh yeah, he’s the guy we need in January to take this team to the next level.” What. the. fuck.

Ledley King, I love you. But it’s time to go to the glue factory. You’ve lost your pace. You can’t jump. You stand off attackers to give yourself a cushion to make up for that lack of pace, but that yard of space kills us match after match. We finished the match today with a keeper and center back pairing whose collective age is over 100 motherfucking years old. That is not what a Champions League side looks like.

Skipjack: No no, this is not what a Champions League side looks like. Maybe that’s because Harry doesn’t understand tactics. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t know how to rotate a squad. Maybe it’s because we can’t buy a halfway decent striker and all our defenders are either injured or old as hell.

But hey, let’s not lose sight of what’s happening here: classic Spurs. Epic collapses is what we do. This kind of punishment is good for the soul. This kind of suffering is what the team is all about. Harry is just part of our Chariman’s masterplan to create the ultimate Tottenham Experience. Jurgen Klinnsman and Robbie Keane will be back to save us any minute now.


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4 responses to “High Level Discourse on Tottenham’s Problems

  1. So, I still hate Sp*rs, but cheer up – there’s still 8 matches left this year. Arsenal have had a couple runs this season like the one Sp*rs are on. Just when you’re convinced everyone is shit and the manager must go, they’ll turn it around and win a few on the bounce.
    King is definitely paleozoic, but there are lots of nice pieces there, and this group of players (minus Saha) scored shit loads of goals earlier this year. I remain convninced that if they just had a tactician manager or even assistant to play off Harry’s man-management (read: illiterate) style, then they’d be a damn formidable team. Not to be all trendy or a homer, but a 4-1-2-2-1 like Sporting KC are playing seems like it could work pretty well for Sp*rs, if implemented with some real positional discipline. Meanwhile, they’re only 2 back of the Arse with 8 to go. Plenty of time for an exciting battle to the finish.

  2. Five matches to go, not 8. 2 points out of third and Arsenal have a game in hand. Level with Newcastle and only 2 points clear of Chelsea. Nothing Spurs have done lately have inspired any sort of confidence that the Champions League is in our future next year.

    This is still so far the best season we’ve ever had. And it’s making me completely miserable.

  3. @ Lorber- you’re quite right on games remaining. Sorry about that.
    As a midwesterner I can easily relate to teams being just good enough to really inspire belief, only to kick you in the balls at the end. Sucks, I know.

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