My brother shared this with me last week and I sat through the whole thing. I’ve decided to share it with you all so you can feel my pain, but I’ve also provided you with a handy running commentary for your amusement. When you’ve got some down time, grab a beverage and settle in for Castrol Edge Presents: Cristiano Ronaldo, Tested To The Limit.
00:13 Neither Capello nor Wenger have ever coached Ronaldo, but I guess they’ve both been victims of his play. Still, why not SAF or José?
00:40 Cristiano Ronaldo= Ivan Drago. Some of the dolts commenting on the Youtube page have called for Lionel Messi to be put through these tests. I submit to you that Messi is Rocky Balboa.
00:51 CR7: “It’s amazing to see how my body works.” He’s obsessed with his body. We already knew this.
01:35 This is Andy, aka Don Cheadle’s character from Ocean’s Eleven. Catch phrase: “quality” or “quol-i-ee”. In fact, let’s start a drinking game: every time Andy says his catch phrase, do a shot. Or if you prefer, chug a pint of one of Keith’s hipster brews.
Andy will spend the next 45 minutes gargling Ronaldo’s balls and hitting him up for high fives, which Ronaldo will reluctantly accept because he’s on camera.
02:00 This show will rely heavily on clips from CR7’s Portugal appearances, where he’s generally mediocre. No cash for Real Madrid highlights, Sky?
02:45 Angel David Rodriguez, the top sprinter from Spain. Better known as the token white runner who always finishes last at the Olympics. Though I suppose bringing in Usain Bolt for this test would have screwed up the results, since Bolt is supposed to be a decent soccer player.
03:35 Andy’s first “quality”. Bottoms up.
11:15 CR7 has uneven calf muscles. Circus freak.
13:38 Ronaldo can jump 78 centimeters for a header. That’s like, what? 0.3 Crouches?
15:20 Wenger calls Ronaldo arrogant. That’s a three match suspension from UEFA.
16:20 Meet Zoe Wimshurst, sports psychologist. She’ll say anything to get Ronaldo to sleep with her.
21:00 Meet Ronald, “amateur footballer”: as this test gets underway, you will discover that Ronald has clearly never seen a soccer ball before in his entire life, nor does he possess anything remotely resembling athletic ability.
22:35 Not sure why they need Chariots of Fire music for this part.
24:45 Ok, I’m actually pretty impressed by the shoulder bump in total darkness.
24:50 Look at freaking Blonde Ronald here, grinning like an idiot. Have they tested his mental ability yet?
30:20 Jerzy Dudek: 2005 Champions League hero, now endowed with the reflexes of an Amazonian tree sloth.
36:20 My kid broke our bedroom window when he was six, and he wasn’t even kicking his hardest. I’m not impressed by CR7’s performance here.
38:20 I bet Ronaldo uses Castrol Edge as hair gel.
39:30 Aww, damn. I wish the sniper test had been done with live ammo.
44:15 Still waiting for the “diving”, “feigning injury” and “whining to the ref” tests. Part 2, perhaps?