A Momentary Lapse of Reason

Is this Robert Duvall and José Mourinho giving me a River Plate jersey, or am I tripping again?

Not content with second place in Argentina’s Nacional B division, and perhaps disillusioned with their current stable of strikers, River Plate have just signed Rogers Waters as their new number 9. Yes, that Roger Waters. Club officials said wish you were here to Roger in a formal ceremony where he was presented with a nice authentic River Plate jersey.

River manager Matías “Buzzcut” Almeyda is confident in his new signing, despite a saucerful of secrets suggesting that Waters doesn’t know a football from the dark side of the moon and his current fitness levels are so poor he’ll probably hit the wall sometime in the 15th minute of his first match.

Waters was reportedly pleased with the signing and staunchly denied rumors regarding his fitness, swearing on his atom heart mother‘s grave that he could easily play at least to the division bell of half time. However, he remains focused on the goal of making the final cut for Almeyda’s squad that will face Gimnasia on Saturday. The prolific frontman is patient and does not want to meddle with the chemistry of a squad that is trying to get back to the first division.

Obscured by clouds, David Gilmour lurked in the background, where he casually told a reporter that he thought River Plate officials were a bunch of animals, and he intends to sign with Boca Juniors first thing in the morning, like the piper at the gates of dawn. Ummagumma!


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