Lionel Messi’s Crushed Velvet Showcase: Thierry Henry’s Near Miss

Thierry Henry was once regarded as one of the finest strikers in the world. With the recent announcement of a four story fish tank in his new London home, it would seem that Thierry is determined to reinforce his status as yesterday’s news.

An oversized fish tank that takes up four stories of your home?

How bourgeois.


For some, multi-story aquatic habitats are the height of moneyed excess. For Lionel Messi, tastemaker, and, oh yes, the finest footballer in the world, they are as gauche as wearing white after Labor Day.

Now Arsené and I can reenact Titanic in the privacy of my own home.

Who knows what Thierry is thinking? Perhaps he believes that putting that much water in one place will enable him to swim away from having to play for Hans Backe. Maybe he thinks that massive amounts of water are what is required to draw the attention of New York’s highest status symbol – “the Snooki.” Or maybe he is just taking Arsenal’s propensity for bottling it to its natural conclusion. Leo does not know. Much like he does not understand the motives of those who spend money as if they are high schoolers who have stolen their parents’ credit card he cannot explain Thierry’s tasteless decisions.

Let us see how a true gentlemen, nay, a true Barcelona legend lives in luxury. As they say, the most important thing is location, location, location. Leo would never be tied down to a single location. His home moves to and from a neighborhood to the next before anyone else realizes it is trendy. How does it move? How can Leo find it? Leo is a footballer, not a Garmin. He pays people to do these things for him.

This is what you look like when you're buying a house. This. Right here. This.

Once you finally find Leo’s house, it is a modern monument to capitalism whose mere sight would drive the 99% to barricade the streets and slaughter the rich. Ever friendly to a sustainable planet, Leo’s roof absorbs sunlight, but not through some cheap solar panel or roof top farm. No, Leo uses the most absorbent material on the planet earth – the pubic hair of Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Zlatan has long struggled to make a lasting contribution to world football, but has failed, time and time again. Yet here, on my roof, he keeps Leo cool and his energy costs down, contributing to European success in a way that his fluffing penalties on Tuesday and Wednesday nights never will.

Inside, Leo has a four story container, but it is no aquarium. It is the world’s largest laundry bin. Inside it holds the jerseys collected from all the players I have ever bested. Some keep these as trophies or treasures for the rest of their lives. For Leo, they are nothing more than laundry, who’s pungent aroma serves not only as a reminder of his unequalable superiority, but as a way to mask the stench of Carlos Tevez that clings to him after international duty.

Having found the challenge of the football pitch to be sorely lacking lately. Leo has designed his kitchen to be operated entirely with one’s feet. Here, is a challenge worthy of a master craftsman such as myself. Leo has killed 4 maids by accident already, but he has only bee attempting it for a week. By next month, he is confident that he will be using his feet to prepare gourmet meals for his guests with only a minimal amount of fungus.

Leo’s bathroom continues its magnificence with a gigantic silver replica of Cristiano Ronaldo’s screaming face. What happens after that, is up to Leo’s guest.

Thierry clearly wants to live in a home that impresses. Leo would suggest that if truly wishes to do so, he should try to do something bold, something daring, something that Stephen Ireland hasn’t already thought of.

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