You’ve undoubtedly been following the Chelsea managerial mess, so you know that Roman Abramovich’s knee-jerk firing sprees don’t come cheap. The latest beneficiary is of course Don Luis André de Pina Cabral e Villas-Boas (AVB) who is owed an estimated $26 million gringo bucks. When you add it all up, the cost of firing Carlo Ancelotti ($22M), paying Porto for AVB ($20M), and then firing him eight months later ($26M) would probably have been enough to dump ERECT (England’s Racist Ex-Captain Terry), Fat Frank, and maybe even Drogba and replace them all with younger, cheaper, less petulant players. But that’s just how Russian billionaires roll.
In any case, the question for this post is what the hell is AVB going to do with all that money? Allow me to make a few suggestions after the jump.
- Two chicks at once. Let’s just get that out of the way now. Also, a tranny hooker that looks just like José Mourinho.
- Three hundred and sixty five designer black mackintosh raincoats, one for each day of the year. I like to imagine that AVB wears these all the time, even in the shower or when he goes to the beach.
- Hire a top class professional hitman to take out Terry and Lampard, but not Abramovich because that guy’s probably got expensive top class professional hitmen of his own. Oh, and he’s paying AVB lots of money to sit on his ass and hire hitmen to kill Terry and Lampard.
- Get Christopher Lloyd (and maybe Stephen Hawking) to build a time machine so he can go back to last season when he was kicking ass all over Portugal and the Europa League with Porto, and nobody thought he sucked.
- Seven jewel-encrusted beard trimmers with diamond-tipped blades (one for each day of the week), so he can maintain that “Yes, I’ve been trying to grow a beard for a while now” look.
There you have it. By all means though, feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments.