Chelsea’s Next Top Manager

The manager was still Portuguese, but the thrill was gone.

Remember the early 2000s? When Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson’s love was still innocent, Dave Chappelle still wanted to make money, and Jose Mourinho was turning Chelsea FC into a force in world football? Yeah, its kinda foggy for us too.

Its been a long time since then and the world’s a crueler, harsher place. If you need evidence, look no further than Chelsea, where the decaying corpse of Mourinho’s team still lumbers on, devouring subsequent managers for sustenance. Mourinho protégé and future trench coat enthusiast Andre Villas Boas was the latest in a long line of managers who have failed to turn the team that the Special One created into the dominant European force that owner Roman Abramovich so desperately desires.

Since everything else has failed to produce a winning combination, it is time for Roman to turn to 452, the internet’s foremost experts on imaginary formations, to find the right manager for London’s most treasured plaything.

Jose Mourinho

Why bother finding someone new? The Special One made it work once and in the mean time he has not only won another European Cup, but slain the top brass of Real Madrid and heard the lamentations of their women. Jose has turned Real Madrid into an impressive juggernaut, but the specter of Barca has made him cast his eye for greener pastures. Its time for Jose to go back to England, where his accent, fancy cashmere jackets, and tactics are seen as exotic, exciting, and most importantly, continental.

Ivan Drago

Player power has destroyed the hopes and dreams of so many Chelsea managers in recent years and cost the club who knows how many trophies. There’s only one response to this kind of player power and only one man who knows how to deliver it:

Frank Lampard

Winning the Double ......... Chin

If you’re not going to break the player power, why not embrace it? Fat Frank is looking less and less comfortable in his Chelsea kit every year. It could be time for Frank to trade that badge in for a tactics board and, more importantly, a puffy jacket that can conceal the grease stains on his shirt. The question is, once removed from the locker room, will Frank feel compelled to start rumors that undermine his own managerial regime? Can he survive his own intransigence? Will it drive him to stress eating? All these answers and more in the next season of “As CSKA London Turns!”

Chelsea Handler

"Firm" is no longer a word we can use for Chelsea's hooligans...

Since it looks likely that Roman is going to just give up on addressing player power at all, why not hire a figure head? And since UEFA’s Financial Fair Play is about to kick in, let’s skimp on the figure. Functional alcoholic Ms. Handler will be too inebriated to get in the way of Chelsea’s annual gutless performance in the Champions League knock out stage and, more importantly, be able to show the club’s most important guests a time that they will not soon be able to remember. Also, the amount of vodka she brings in will ensure that there’s no bacteria left alive in that locker room.

Vladimir Putin

Somewhere at Interpol, someone had a stroke looking at this photograph.

Roman probably owes Vladimir a favor or a billion. And Vlad’s probably going to need another job sometime soon if those street protests are any indication. A job outside of Russia would probably be the best idea. So why not head to Russia’s most famous cultural export – Chelsea FC.

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2 responses to “Chelsea’s Next Top Manager

  1. That photo of Chelsea Handler almost brought my breakfast back up. To put it politely, I strongly dislike her and think she is not funny at all.

    Also, Putin would never be manager, he’d demand to be the starting striker in every game and that he be allowed to play without a shirt, so he can make gratuitous displays of machismo for his adoring (read: paralyzed with fear) serfs and minions.

  2. @KCG: that would be like playing baseball with Castro back in the day. “Another home run, señor Fidel! Exelente!”

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