With England’s Brave Racist John Terry (EBRJT from here on out) stripped of the armband by the FA, and likely to miss the European Championships depending on the new gaffer and his thoughts on EBRJT’s, ahem, influence on the squad, England will need a new captain.
The side Psycho Pearce named for the friendly with Holland will likely mean that Stevie G takes over as captain for the forseeable future (let’s hope he finds that more important than his pending Carling Cup Final captaincy). But England need refreshing. They need someone unjaded by the failings of American owners. Someone who hasn’t missed so much time through injury that you forget he plays these days.
England need a Charming Man to lead them. Someone who knows how Joan of Arc felt. Someone bored to death with Labor and Tories. Someone who wants to see people who are free and alive.
Luckily, when unveiling the new England kit, Umbro found just the man to handle the job (reveal after the jump).
That’s right, soon should be now for Mister Joseph Anthony Barton, cleaver of opposing midfielders. Puncher of McDonald’s patrons. Extinguisher of cigarettes.
Think of the tactical flexibility that a holding duo of Barton and Parker would afford England’s next gaffer. Think of the inspiration England would get with attacking midfielders like Xavi and Wesley Sneijder rendered into Ozymandian statues of shinbones and nothing more. Think of the joy children would get from watching Barton continue the Terry-an tradition of giving the ref a go when he’s correctly called a clear foul.
Barton for England. It’s what a Vicar in a Tutu would want.