EPL Alcoholics

Here at 4-5-2 we enjoy our alcohol. Beer and liquor flow like rivers at various points in the week. Prime drinking times include

Zima, only for those who are bored

Friday nights, any Spurs or Everton match, as well as with the realization that Villa is likely to lose yet again. Oh and we also have champagne for the trophy winners too. That is why we now present the EPL in terms of alcohol. Some of these suggestions may not make much sense. I think I had been drinking when this list was put together. Try drinking the recommended beverage of choice when your team plays, maybe it will dull the pain a little more effectively.

Arsenal: Wine – Arsenal’s drink of choice is no surprising given the amount of whining their fans do. Complaining about injuries, player sales, and problems that are unique only to Arsenal means the only thing this club needs now is a side of cheese.

Aston Villa: Wine Coolers- These were popular in the 80’s, but now they are the territory of poor college students who just don’t know any better.

Blackburn: Jaeger- The arrival of Venky’s was a burst of fresh air for the Blackburn faithful, but things quickly fell off the rails to the point that the club is now a relegation contender. Couple this with a hatred of the manager, and you have a situation Jaeger drinkers are all to familiar with. First happiness, then lots and lots of regret and bad decisions.

Bolton: Everclear- This is the death drink. Everyone knows better than to drink it, but occasionally you feel the need to taste it. That’s when everything becomes a foggy haze and suddenly it is 2 days later and there is a cow on your roof.

Chelsea: Russian Standard Vodka- Russians are on their own playing field when it comes to Vodka, and that may be why no manager can go toe-to-toe with dear Roman. Roman embodies this stiff and uncompromising drink, and his desire to drink Russian Standard from the the Champion’s League trophy is unstoppable.

Everton: Blue Moon- Often overlooked for hipper Belgian Style beers, this staple is filling if a bit bland. Occasionally it can give you some flavor, but only when adding something temporarily.

Fulham: Budweiser- For a club that has been known as Fulhamerica, it is appropriate that their beer is an American icon. Though the team may not be flashy or filled with skill and subtlety, they manage to get the job done, just like a cold Bud.

Liverpool: Red Stripe- Why Red Stripe? Simple really, you would think Red Stripe is a good beer, there are plenty of commercials, and the company even has a catchy little jingle. Take one sip though, and warm piss tastes better. Buyer beware is the lesson to take from this, kinda like when buying Andy Carroll.

Manchester United: Jack Daniels. What better choice could there be with a club that only seems to get better year after year. Although things may not always be pretty, United manages to pull through when it counts, and their supporters are used to lots of trophies. Beware though,  too much success can become a problem the next morning.

Manchester City: Moonshine- Is there really any doubt that City is the craziest club in the EPL? Moonshine ensures the drinker will be huddled in the corner crying by the end of the night, just like Carlos Tevez when he is asked to play the role of substitute.

Newcastle: Newcastle Brown Ale- It may not be the fanciest of beers, but it will surprise you the first time you taste it. It goes down well, and has the added benefit of having the same name as the team. Just don’t let it get even a smidge warm, otherwise it goes to hell in a handbasket.

Norwich City: Yuengling- It has a decent amount of history and fulfilling, but it is fairly cheap, although a bit unspectacular.

QPR: PBR- enough said there really.

Stoke City: Malt Liquor- Rivalled by nothing in disgusting taste, it can definitely get you drunk and ruin your night. Sort of like what happens when a team encounters Stoke on a cold winter’s night at midweek.

Sunderland: Jameson- It is a drink that flies under the radar, but is quick to be claimed by Irishmen who have a tenuous connection to it at best. About the only way it is fun is in an Irish Car Bomb, but that leaves you open to needing a puke and rally.

Swansea: Jose Cuervo- With Swansea, fans never know if the match is going to turn out well, or end horribly. The team has had a high-flying campaign so far, but as Blackpool can attest, things can quickly go downhill, just like a night spent drinking tequilla.

Tottenham: Manischewitz- This kosher wine is well-known for its sweetness, and Spurs play can indeed be sweet. The only downside to this wine is the slight lack of bite on the end of it. Maybe Ryan Shawcross can help with that.

West Brom: Strongbow- A nice cider that flies under the radar of many folks, Strongbow is similar to West Brom in that both are generally unknown to most people. Under our good friend Roy, West Brom have put together some decent matches this seasons, and can provide a good time when the situation demands it.

Wigan: Zima- It is really fun to say, but there is no real substance to it. It also sucks to drink, kind of like watching Wigan play.

Wolverhampton: Schiltz- This one comes from Keith, it is yellow as piss, dirt cheap like the club, and to top it all off, it was popular in the 70’s


3 responses to “EPL Alcoholics

  1. Re: Newcastle brown Ale. The key is to only pour half into your glass from the bottle. Top it up once the fizz goes out around halfway through. Has a strong finish if everything is done correctly.

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