Tomorrow’s Transfer News, TODAY!

Gaze into ... uh ... the future

The January transfer window has closed, the Champions League has restarted, domestic cup competitions are ramping up, and title races are getting serious. In other words, it’s the most boring part of the season. We all know the best time of the year is the last day of a transfer window, when we wait with baited breath to stare at Natalie Sawyer’s boobs watch Sky Sports and hear the latest about which billionaires are spending money on which millionaires. All this actual football stuff is soooooo boring.

So let’s jump ahead of all this dull football and take a look at what’s happening in the transfer market of the FUTURE!

Luis Suarez and John Terry to Lazio

It’s been a long year in England for these stand out players. Charged with racist abuse of their fellow players, they have been subject to vicious chanting at every ground in the country, not to mention a level of scrutiny from the FA that make their jobs almost impossible. So it is time to go to a place where they can flourish, where they can play freely, where they can not only racially abuse the shit out of their opposition, but be celebrated for it. It is time for these two stand out players to go to the home of racism in Western European Football, S.S. Lazio. Here, surrounded by facist ultras and Nazi iconography, these two Premier League stand outs will be able to claw, bite, and hate crime their way to a scudetto.

Abusing minorities and fascist salutes? Luis has finally come home.

Jeremy Lin to Chelsea

It’s been a rough year for the Premier League’s original Nouveau Riche club. Owner Roman Abramovich is eager to stem the decline at the East London club and put them back on the path to victory. Jeremy Lin represents not only a supremely talented athlete, but an athlete who is leading another team to victory. The Chelsea owner will simply not let this stand. Refusing to allow a lack of experience in football stand in his way, Roman is determined to bring Linsanity, but more importantly its jersey sales, to Stamford Bridge.

Dear English tabloid headline writers: your dreams have come true.

Didier Drogba to Anzhi Makhachkala 

All the aging African strikers? ALL THE AGING AFRICAN STRIKERS.

Who needs the Champions League when you've got borscht?

Luka Modric to Downton Abbey

It has been a difficult year for young Luka Modric. As summer turned to fall, his fancy was caught by a dashing club in the east of London. However, his domineering North London slave drivers refused him the transfer that he yearned for ever so much. Now, as winter turns to spring, a transfer to the upright confines of Downton Abbey appear to in the cards for young Modric. Here, his owners believe, under the watchful eye of the Earl of Grantham, he will become the distinguished young woman that he was raised to be. Will it he finally reach the competitive heights he desires? Will he find true love? Will he ever get along with Lady Mary? We will finally find out next season!

Oh, what will society think about my passing?

Fernando Torres to Dashboard Confessional

After a transfer to Livejournal fell through, it is believed that Fernando has finally found a place where his sullen demeanor, poor fortunes, and floppy hair will finally fit in.

How could this happen to meeeeee?!

Walter White to Club America

The United States have become a bit too hot for the world’s most intelligent meth dealer, so he is moving south of the border to one of Mexico’s most celebrated clubs. It is believed he will be particularly adept at penetrating opposing defenses because he has nothing left to lose and will use chemical compounds that explode and shit.


The Original Kings of Comedy to Liverpool

It would appear that Liverpool are trying to fix the damage done to their reputation by Luis Suarez’s antics by hiring the black comedian quartet, but the club deny that is what they’re doing. “If you suggested that, you’d be bang out of order.” snapped manager Kenny Daglish. “We believe we are getting an outstanding black four that have a great rapport with one another. … What? What did I say?”

White people never walk alone like this... And black people never walk alone like this...


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