Aaron Ramsey – Babyfaced Assassin

When Aaron Ramsey scores, someone dies. Since May of last year Aaron Ramsey has scored four goals for Arsenal. And murdered four innocent people.

"Do I look like someone who would kill innocent people for fun?"

Last Thursday,Whitney Houston went about her day, minding her own business, just living her ordinary humdrum life while drunk and bleeding at a nightclub. No one would suspect that a few days later she would be dead. No one except her ruthless killer, Aaron Ramsey.

From the Daily Mail:

Just hours after 21-year-old Ramsey netted a goal in a Premier League match against Sunderland last Saturday, the 48-year-old singer was found dead in a bathroom at the Beverly Hilton in Los Angeles.

The bizarre coincidences kicked off last May when the young player scored against Manchester United at the Emirates stadium in the second half. 

One day later, on May 2, Al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden, 54, was shot dead by U.S. Navy Seals in his compound in Pakistan.

Then, on October 2, Ramsey netted one against Spurs at White Hart Lane.

Three days later, Apple guru Steve Jobs died aged 56 at his home in California following a lengthy battle with pancreatic cancer.

Soon after, on October 19, Ramsey scored a dramatic injury-time goal against Marseille during a Champions League game.

The very next day, Colonel Gaddafi, 69, was captured by rebels near his home town of Sirte and died from his injuries.

The world would have you believe that this is nothing more than an amusing coincidence. But is it? Is this just four random incidents linked tangentially with the goalscoring exploits of a mediocre Welshman? Or is Aaron Ramsey a mass murderer on a bloody rampage that must be stopped at all costs?

Let’s find out how deep this rabbit hole goes.

October 21, 2008. Aaron Ramsey bags his first goal for Arsenal in the Champions League against Fenerbahce. Two weeks later? Jurassic Park author Michael Crichton dies of throat cancer. All the amber-trapped DNA in the world can’t bring you back when Aaron Ramsey’s involved.

August 22, 2009. Aaron Ramsey scores his first league goal against Portsmouth. Three days later? Ted Kennedy. Aaron Ramsey completes the Kennedy assassination hat trick and sends Teddy to join Jack and Bobby in the afterlife.

November 14, 2009. Aaron Ramsey scores in a friendly for Wales. You think because this was a friendly, nobody important died, right? Well tell that to Patriarch Pavle of Serbia, 44th Patriarch of the Serbian Orthodox Church. Oh wait, you can’t. Because he died the next day. Sorry, Patriarch Pavle of Serbia, 44th Patriach of the Serbian Orthodox Church.

December 2009 was a busy month for little Aaron, banging murderballs into the back of the net on December 5 and again on December 30. Merry Christmas, Brittany Murphy. Happy New Year, oldest living person in the world Maria de Jesus.

And after handing Gertrude Baines the title of oldest living person in gruesome fashion, Ramsey struck again on January 3, 2010. The Wrath of Khan could not withstand the Wrath of Ramsey, and Ricardo Montalbán became Ramsey’s next victim.

But before Ramsey could continue his maniacal slaughter, a hero emerged. A man who refused to let Ramsey walk free. A man who tried to ensure Ramsey never walked again. Ryan Shawcross did what no one else had dared to do. He snapped Ramsey’s foot off.

Forget goal-saving, this is a life-saving tackle. Ryan Shawcross is a goddamn hero.

Who knows how many countless thousands were spared by this challenge? But despite Shawcross’s heroic efforts, Ramsey would recover from his maiming all too soon. And the carnage continued.

By February 22, 2011, he’d be back scoring goals in the Championship for Cardiff. And murdering baseball legend and Hall of Famer Duke Snider.

And that brings us back to where the British press would have you believe it all began, with Osama bin Laden. But as we’ve seen, it’s not only his Arsenal goals that massacre the innocent.

May 27, Wales v. Northern Ireland. June 3, the shoe is on the other foot and Jack Kevorkian gets a helping hand into the great beyond.

September 2, against Montenegro. This one took a while, thanks to countless protests and appeals. But ultimately Aaron Ramsey prevailed and Troy Davis was executed in Georgia. Flimsy evidence is no obstacle to Welsh Justice.

October 7, Switzerland. October 8, Oakland. Raiders owner Al Davis succumbs to Ramsey’s unhinged brutality.

Ahhhhhh! I can't control it anymore!

And that brings us up to date. The rest you already know. Gaddafi. Houston. But who will be next? And more importantly, who can stop him? Arsenal don’t visit Stoke until April 28. Hopefully Shawcross still has the courage to do what needs to be done for a second time, but will it come soon enough? Or will someone else step up in the meantime?

Until then, the bloodbath continues.

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7 responses to “Aaron Ramsey – Babyfaced Assassin

  1. First: My wife sent me the Mail’s story yesterday. I was so proud she sent me a soccer story, I almost wept.
    Second: You’re welcome, World for Ramsey bringing the demise of bin Laden & Gadhafi & Al Davis.
    Third: The real question is how many people Dimitar Berbatov’s goals killed last year. With his reassuringly suave, understated manner, he seems to have the perfect cover for a secret life as a Bulgarian KGB assassin.
    Finally, F**k Ryan Shawcross with a muddy, sweaty, unevenly-cleated boot. Guy’s a f**king Neanderthal.

  2. I’m sorry to say that in spite of Shawcross’ efforts to save lives with that tackle he only caused more suffering.

    February 27 2010 and 8.8 magnitude earthquake hit Chile resulting in a tsunami. So yeah…. There’s no way to stop the carnage.

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