Arsene Wenger’s Statistically Efficient Guide to Sweet, Sweet Love

Merde.

Hello. My name is Arsene. I have studied the art of seduction, love making, and french tickling throughout the world.

Hot, steamy sex is a popular activity across England, but I believe that they do so in a wasteful way. I believe that through the magic of statistics, game theory, and broccoli, that English love making can reach world class levels of pleasure, sensuality, and efficiency.

Join me, won’t you, as I, the world’s foremost foreplayologist, answer your questions and make the world a more erotic place.

Editor’s Note: The pictures of those asking questions have been obscured to protect their identities.

Dear Arsene,

So until recently, I was a happily married man with a beautiful wife who adored me. Then a new neighbor moved in across the street. I’m not sure, but I think he’s from the middle east and he is EXTREMELY rich. He openly flirts with my wife and even hits on her in front of me. My wife can’t stop talking about him and his ambition and what he could offer a wife. What should I do?

Sadly Affected Fellow

Uh, yes, hello SAF. This is terrible. You have clearly worked very hard over the years to win the heart of this woman. Before anyone knew who she was, you found her and helped her become the stone cold fox she is today. Now, after all your hard work, this man wants to swoop in and take her from you. It is not fair, and I believe these billionaires are ruining England’s love lives. I am not sure if there is anything that you can do here. If I were you, I would accept a sizable divorce settlement and attempt to find a younger wife elsewhere. I would recommend France.

Dear Arsene,

My bosses keep trying to get me to touch all these black people. Why would what I want to do that? What can I do to get this to stop?

Liverpool Uruguayan Interested in Sexuality

Uh yes, LUIS, I believe that we are all part of a beautiful rainbow. In certain African cultures, they engage in sexual positions and training regimens that could really change your life until you dump them after they turn 26. You should broaden your horizons and embrace the wonderful, forbidden sensuality that the heart of darkest Africa has to offer.

Dear Arsene,

*sticks out tongue*, *wears underpants as a hat*

 Love,

Andrey Arshavin

… It is an honor to receive letters from the Captain of Russia. I suppose.

Dear Mr. Wenger,

I have been married to a wonderful woman for years. We met when we were just teenagers. She has been a wonderful partner and given me the best sex of my life. But she’s getting near thirty and I think some of the spark has drained out of our relationship. What should I do?

Aching For Change

Well, um, yes, it sounds as if you should cut bait while you can. She will only get older and less desirable. Logic dictates that you should find a much younger wife, one who will be raring for the challenge of meeting your needs. She will have something to prove and be grateful for the opportunity you have provided here, which means you’ll have to spend far, far less money. As for your current wife, she’s nearly 30! You’re not a running a hospice. Get that old bag out of there before you get the stench of death on you!

Arsene,

Look, I was taught to make love the way everyone is taught to do it: simple, direct, and to the point. I get it in the box, I do my business, and I get out. Now my girlfriend says its not enough. Its boring and predictable. She wants something with more variety and more continental! If it was good enough for Prime Minister Thatcher, it should be good enough for her! What should I do, Arsene?

STumped On this Kind of Experience

Simple, direct. This is the problem with all of you English. You do not take the time to enjoy the finer things in life. Or vegetables. It is not enough to simply score. English are too focused on getting in and getting out. To truly satisfy her, you must entertain and titillate. To bring your woman to new heights of ecstasy, you must do things the Arsene way: all action around the box, don’t even worry about actually scoring.

Dear Arsene,

I was having my girlfriend over for a nice dinner when I set off some very romantic fireworks under the table. Now she says I attacked her! Did I do anything wrong?!

Why Always Me?

 

Well, um, I do not know. I did not see it. You would have to ask someone who is there, because I cannot comment.

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