FourFiveTwo’s Endorsement for the Next England Manager Part 6: One Time

With all due respect to my fellow FourFiveTwo-ers, their recommendations for Fabio Cappello’s successor have gotten progressively worse. It was a valiant effort from Lorber, but Bombay is an alcoholic, a flake, and he banged Conway’s mom. How do you think Rooney would react to something like that? This is just the sort of controversy that The FA are trying to avoid.

Face it, England aren’t winning the Euros no matter who they bring, so they might as well take a team of kids and give them some international tournament experience that will prepare them for WC’14. They need a manager that isn’t afraid to work with these kids and realizes that he is leading the lambs to slaughter, and I have the perfect solution for these poor limey bastards…


The glasses may scream 'pedophile', but his resume screams 'hire me'

…and he is, Danny O’Shea. He could certainly use the work, as that old gas station can’t be bringing in much money. By now his daughter is off to college – where she’s certainly dominating the beruit tables and getting a bunch of ice in her box from that blonde kid with a rocket arm – so there’s no need for him to stay in Urbania.

Sure, he may not know anything about soccer, but he also knew nothing about football and still managed to come up with the TACTICS necessary to defeat the favored Cowboys. Maybe Danny can have Theo Walcott practice his crosses using rolls of toilet paper. Perhaps Jose Mourinho and a bus filled with Ronaldo, Messi, van Persie, and Xavi can get lost, stop by the England training sessions to ask for directions, and miraculously inspire the team with words of wisdom and intimidation. And I guarantee you the Swedes will have no answer for England’s new favorite stoppage time set piece, The Annexation of Puerto Rico.


Slap the three lions and a star on the front and we're good to go

Finally, the FA and Umbro will absolutely love my choice, as it will allow them to make a ton of money from the sale of the team’s new jerseys, which will have nicknames on the back so the guys at the Ukranian morgue can identify the bodies. Joe “Hot Hands” Hart, Wayne “The Terminator” Rooney, and Jack “Icebox” Wilshere would sell like hotcakes.

Let’s be real here: England’s best hope is to narrowly scrape through the group stages and bow out of the quarterfinals on penalties. Might as well hire a guy with a 100% coaching record and maybe, just maybe, he can pull off another miracle.

One time.


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