FourFiveTwo’s Endorsement for the Next England Manager Part 5: Three Lions, Triple Deke

The FA is looking for a new manager and everyone thinks they know the best man for the job. The writers here at FourFiveTwo are no exception. And after reading the jackassery they came up with, I don’t even know why I continue to associate with these people.

You’ve probably just read BG’s garbage about Lemmy from Motörhead.  While it’s undeniable that Lemmy is a sex god and a total badass, these are not the qualities England needs. Look what happened the last time England appointed a sexual powerhouse. Sven-Goran Eriksson was caught in a string of sex scandals that volcanoed through the country and left the national team a smoking wreckage. Lemmy would be that times a million. England doesn’t need a rock ‘n’ roll philanderer. England needs a leader of men.

And that leader is Gordon Bombay.

When he started coaching, his ragtag band of misfits could barely hold a stick and skate at the same time. And Gordon Bombay took this team from last place in its PeeWee hockey division, a team that was so bad it didn’t even have a name, and won the Junior Goodwill Games. That’s like getting promoted from the Blue Square North and then winning the motherfucking World Cup. You know how many other managers have done that? Fucking zero.

What England need is a manager who can turn a bunch of lovable scamps who can’t play football into a world-beating force. Bombay was so good at his job that he recruited people who had never even played the sport before in their lives and turned them into world class hockey players. One of them was even a girl. If anyone can transform Theo Walcott from incredibly-frustrating-fast-guy into an actual footballer, this is the man to do it.

Not enough creativity in the midfield? No sweat. Bombay straight up stole the Hawks best player in Adam Banks and turned him into a Duck. Just name your guy and Gordo will have him rethinking his national allegiance in no time. Rooney’s suspended and nobody can score goals? It’s knuckle puck time! Worried about the defense without Ferdinand and Terry? No problem. Meet your new center backs:

And when England is losing at half-time, how badass will it be to see them dramatically retake the field in Ducks jerseys?

Oh, and that little matter of the world championship Bombay won with the Ducks? He won that shit in penalties. Show me another England manager who can make that claim.


2 responses to “FourFiveTwo’s Endorsement for the Next England Manager Part 5: Three Lions, Triple Deke

  1. Holy crap, this would be awesome! Oh, the quotes.
    Quack quack quack quack quack, Mr. Duckworth!!!
    They’re bigger. They’re stronger. They have more facial hair!
    You’re not even a Has Been. You’re a Never Was.

  2. And Iceland won’t even be there this summer, so there’s nobody who would even be challenging

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