The illustrious writers here at FourFiveTwo have been working feverishly to propose the most capable replacements for Fabio Capello. You’ve likely just read Brian’s choice. With all due respect, Brian, PUH-LEEZ. England need a leader that can fire them up for battle, not a shriveled tangerine with a goatee. And I’ve got the best man for the job.
Ian Fraser “Lemmy” Kilmister, from the legendary rock/metal band Motörhead. He’s English, just like Harry Redknapp, which should appease the xenophoes. He’s at least as literate as Harry. As a war history buff, Lemmy probably knows more about tactics than Harry, too. Maybe not the sort of tactics that win football matches, but that can be sorted out later. This is a guy who clearly won’t take shit from the media, his players, or even the FA.
The most important thing England needs right now is an inspirational leader who can take this failure-riddled national football team to the Euros and show them how to kick some ass. Lemmy’s got that in spades. He’s the Ace of Spades, if you will. When he walks into the locker room for the opening match against France in Donetsk, he doesn’t need to say stuff like “this is your time” or “please don’t crash out in the quarterfinals again”. He doesn’t even have to say a word. All Lemmy has to do is play the first 30 seconds of Overkill, and the England squad will run out of there and slaughter those Frenchies in the tunnel before the match even starts.
Besides, wouldn’t you pay to see Lemmy patrolling the sidelines in an RAF bomber jacket, shouting obscenities at the officials and beating Theo Walcott with his cast iron whiskey flask? I would. An added bonus: drunken press conferences. What could possibly go wrong?
To the right honorable gentlemen of the English FA: hire Lemmy and you’ll embark on a new era of dominance in international soccer.