As you are undoubtedly aware, the FA is looking for a new national team coach for England in the wake of Fabio Capello’s resignation. Everyone on the internet seems to have an opinion on who the FA should or shouldn’t hire. FourFiveTwo was no exception. Earlier this week Keith said that Big Sam Allardyce was our site’s choice.
Keith, you ignorant slut. Big Sam’s vast waistline isn’t what England needs. It doesn’t need Mourinho’s ego, either. And Harry Redknapp’s chimney sweeping skills aren’t going to help. England fans don’t care about flair or style. They care about winning. A great man once said, “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.”
England is a country obsessed with duplicating the success of 1966 and they haven’t come close in ages. Decades of underachieving have taken their toll. It’s time to win at all costs, it’s time to cheat to win. It’s time for Bill Belichick.
As the coach of the New England Patriots, Bill Belichick has had a single minded focus on winning that would make Jose Mourinho blush. Why dress for success? Steal clothes off a hobo, it takes less time to throw on a hoodie with no sleeves. The league has rules against taping other teams? Fuck those guys. Winners make their own rules. Hair cuts? Only if he’s trying to win a beauty pageant.
Belicheck is perfect in every way for the unique challenges that England faces. Worried about the manager causing a fuss in the media? No problem. Belichick is physically incapable of uttering a sentence longer than five words to a reporter in any language. Don’t think that England will be sufficiently prepared for their opponents? Under Belichick, the team won’t have just watched all the game footage available on their opposition, but their childhood home movies, sex tapes, and colonoscopies as well. When you don’t follow “rules” like a sissy, it’s amazing the kind of results you can get out of tape study.
Concerned that England’s lack of talent will be too much for him to overcome? This is a guy who’s been winning with mediocre under talented players despite all logic and common sense. Compared to Danny Woodhead and Julian Edelman, players like Peter Crouch and Frank Lampard are giants of their game. So England, it’s time to toss aside values, morals, and all sense of fashion. It’s time to win ugly. It’s time to show some charity and hire the most successful homeless man in America. It’s time to turn to Belichick.