Proper Player, Piss-Poor Pundit: Black and White = Gray (The Alan Shearer Edition)

This is part of a series that looks at the greats (and goods) of the beautiful game that went on to sully the ears of footy fans around the world in the cushy confines of the commentary booth. Today’s

Today's target in happier times (credit:

victim: from scoring to boring, it’s Alan Shearer!

Alan Shearer is probably the most easy case we’ll have to make in terms of being a proper player.  Shearer played in 559 league games spanning from 1986 to 2006, scoring 283 goals during that time.  The Geordie legend played for Southampton, Blackburn Rovers and Newcastle United, spending the last decade of his 20-year career at his boyhood club.  He won the Premier League title in the 1994-95 campaign with Blackburn, combining with Chris Sutton for 58 goals that season, of which Shearer had 37.  He was no slouch for country, either.  Shearer collected 63 caps for England, maintaining his 1 goal per 2 game strike rate and depositing 30 goals, a tally that has him joint-fifth on England’s all-time list.  He was top scorer in the Euro Championships of 1996, and captained England in the 1998 World Cup Qualifiers and Finals.

Before it gets ugly, here’s a highlight reel of a really, truly proper player.

It’s a shame that such an exciting, brilliant player is such a dull, dull pundit.  At least our first victim, Andy Gray, makes his missteps out of passion and excitement, but Shearer trades in the barest, basest platitudes about the game, and much like his “Match of the Day” cohort, says nothing of interest in the interest of saying nothing to offend.

Shearer parlayed his no-nonsense Geordie accent and the adulation of his professional and England careers into frequent punditry slots across the BBC, with a slight detour as caretaker manager of Newcastle during their doomed 2008-2009 campaign, before joining the Match of the Day panel full-time.

In the above, Alan Shearer talks about England’s chances for the 2010 World Cup, stating that “it’ll depend on injuries, form and luck.”  Sounds like, I don’t know. . . all 32 sides in the Cup Finals?

Here he is, during the same tournament, describing how Iker Casillas “stood there with his legs” to make a crucial save to help Spain win the World Cup final.  Stood there.  With his legs.

And finally, presented without comment:

I can’t believe it, either, Lineker. What a piss-poor pundit.


4 responses to “Proper Player, Piss-Poor Pundit: Black and White = Gray (The Alan Shearer Edition)

  1. I hope I don’t have a very Astonvilla weekend.
    /let’s get this meme going
    /am I doing this right?

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