Liverpool FC overestimates the market for drunken Geordies

For one of the best strikers in the world, this man could be yours.

Liverpool FC is special club. As one of the most successful teams in English history and home to one of the most passionate fan bases in the world, they think differently than most of their competition. That is how they have won 18 League Titles and 5 European Cups.

So when confronted by the trouble posed by an overpaid and underperforming striker like Andy Carroll, it is not a surprise that their approach is different than what you would typically expect.

You see, this past weekend, Liverpool offered Carroll, a 35 million pound striker who couldn’t find the back of the net with two hands and a flashlight, to Manchester City in exchange for Carlos Tevez, the joint top scorer of last year’s Premier League.

It's amazing how easily a still from "An American Werewolf in London" can be substituted for a picture of Andy Carroll

This is a solution that wouldn’t occur to most other teams. Most teams would consider a change in tactics to accommodate Carroll, a loan deal that would allow him to rediscover his form, or perhaps cutting their losses by selling him for as much as they can to a team will to take a risk on him. However, most teams are constrained in their thinking by always walking alone. Liverpool doesn’t have this problem. They problem solve like champions. Why constrain yourself with logic when the rest of the league should be obligated to restore you to your former glory and solve all your problems for you?

Now of course, Carlos Tevez isn’t without his own baggage. He has long been home sick and repeatedly expressed his discontent with the gloomy weather and limited restaurant choices of Manchester. A move to the tropical shores of Liverpool would not only bring Carlos closer to Argentina but also give him access to the city’s deep reservoir of South American cuisine.

Carlos Tevez: Blue Steel not included.

And let us not forget what Andy Carroll has to offer Manchester City. With only Sergio Aguero, Edin Dzeko, and Mario Balotelli, City’s frontline is the thinnest its been in years! It would also be enormously helpful to Mario Balotelli to no longer be the only City striker who gets caught doing stupid things on the weekend.  Hopefully City could help Carroll rediscover his form by focusing on his strengths, like standing around in the box and taking up an enormous amount of space.

 

Still, some think offering what is essentially a very large post with a ponytail for the previous season’s joint top scorer reeks of arrogance and entitlement. Clearly these people haven’t realized that not only is this the kind of genius that will lead Liverpool to the very fringes of European competition, but its also far less racist a solution than they could have come up with.

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3 responses to “Liverpool FC overestimates the market for drunken Geordies

  1. “Constrained by always walking alone.” Heh.
    You know, Toon Army may not like to admit it, but it seems that Pardiola and a certain Mr. Ashley might know what the f**k they’re doing after all. Selling Carroll for that much has to be one of the better sales in the past 5 years (or longer). Selling a player to an idiot buyer doesn’t make it bad from the seller’s position. And they’ve replaced him with genuine talent all over the pitch – Cabaye, Obertan, Ben Arfa, Tiote, Ba, not Joey Barton. It’s all seeming pretty shrewd to me.

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