Premier League Stars Read Good, Now You Can Read Good Too!

Read these books or I will fucking stab you.

As we all know, children are getting dumber and dumber and these days they’re basically nothing more than gibbering mongoloids. What with all the video games and the iPhones and the internets out there, who can blame them. Reading is for suckers. But Premier League Reading Stars is here to change all that.

Each team in the EPL has nominated its own “Reading Star” to participate in the program. Their job is to recommend books to children (one children’s book and one adult book) and participate in online literacy challenges.  Each footballer talks about why they chose their favorites books, reads a portion to the children, and sets challenges for the kids to complete. How inspirational!

Looking through the choices these Reading Stars have selected, there are many interesting observations to be made. Luckily for you, I am here to make them.

– Let’s start with the obvious. Someone looked at QPR’s roster and thought, “Hrm. Who do we have that could be a suitable role model for children? I know! Joey Barton! He’s a good lad.” That someone clearly needs as much help with literacy as these poor kids, because he’s obviously never read the news ever.

– Joey Barton then selected The Witches and Dracula for the children to read. Nightmares for everyone! Thanks Joe!

– If listening to Charlie Adam decimate the English language with his horrifying accent somehow helps anyone, these kids are in more trouble than I thought.

– Theo Walcott chose Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Philosopher’s Stone. As his adult book. Really, Theo?

– So then what did Theo choose as his favorite children’s book? TJ and the Hat-trick by none other than……………Theo Walcott. Yes. Theo Walcott is a published author of children’s literature. A man who thinks Harry Potter is grown-up level reading has somehow been allowed to write books. For children. And then used this opportunity for a bit of shameless self-promotion. Well done, Theo.

– To be fair to Walcott, he’s not the only self-promoting asshole on this list. Mark Schwarzer took time out of his busy schedule of being injured to pimp a book he co-wrote. Which I assume means somebody else wrote a book and he put his name on it for marketing purposes. Atta boy, Mark.

This is not a real book.

– But he’s still not the worst offender. Congratulations, third-string Stoke goalkeeper Carlo Nash! You take top D-bag prize. His recommendation for an adult book? Family Adventures in Style, written by Carlo himself and his wife Doctor Jill. So why is this so much worse than Theo and Schwarzer? Because it’s not actually a book. From Amazon:

This guidebook helps families to make those all-important decisions about where to go on a trip, where to stay and what to see and explore. From 8 global destinations – Ireland, Switzerland, Malta, UAE, Peru, Turkey, Tanzania and Maldives, there is plenty of inspiration for families on small to large budgets.

Way to go, Carlo. For a program designed to teach children how to read, you suggest your picture book travel guide for families on a budget. I’m sure this will come in handy for the generation of illiterate bus drivers you’ve just helped create.

– Niko Kranjcar’s choice of To Kill a Mockingbird is probably the most grown up book on the list. No surprise there. Also props to Stu Holden and Owen Hargreaves for selecting The Alchemist. Negative points for Chris Smalling and Stephen Ward for thinking those Dan Brown embossed rectangles are actually meant for reading.

–  Roald Dahl tops the list, with his books chosen by a whopping 7 players. Which is a shame, because even though his books are magical and delightful, it turns out he’s a complete and utter fuckhead.

If you want to listen to these intellectual titans read to the children, feel free to check out their videos. Any other interesting takeaways from the list? Leave a comment!


4 responses to “Premier League Stars Read Good, Now You Can Read Good Too!

  1. Per his own admissions in court, Harry Redknapp will be ordered by the magistrate to enroll in this literacy program.

  2. So Villa’s rep is Barry Bannan, whose Scottish burr is so thick it makes Sir Red Face sound utterly posh, and his “Adult Book” is Beckham’s autobiography. Wonderful, choice, Baz. (yikes.)

  3. Also, Leon Britton is effing mint: his choices were James and the Giant Peach (Dahl’s fucktardery aside) and An Idiot Abroad.

  4. Also, I do have to hand it to Mr. Joseph Barton; he at least sounds like he wants to be there, and can handle the task of reading fourth-grade books with an adult’s aptitude.

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