As you all may know, Liverpool bought Stewart Downing from Aston Villa in a £20 million deal last summer. What you may have been wondering, is why.
See, Stewart Downing is not very good at football. In spite of this, Seventhpool seemed to think he was the missing piece of their title-challenging puzzle. The one guy who could sling majestic crosses onto the forehead of misfiring “striker” Andy Carroll.
So how did Liverpool reach this ridiculous conclusion? Fake YouTube videos.
Yes, that’s right. American owner John Henry and Chairman Tom Werner saw Downing perform miraculous feats on YouTube.
“There was some footage of Stewart where he was, from 30 yards away, kicking a football into five different trash cans and it was brilliant,” said chairman Werner.
“John and I said: ‘Oh my God, this player is brilliant, we’ve got to figure out a way to make a deal with him’.”
And they were almost right. Any guy who could do that would be worth his weight in David Bentleys. But unfortunately for Liverpool’s naive American owners, the video was a fake. You see, the video was doctored for a viral marketing campaign by Aston Villa. Presumably they didn’t catch the other viral videos, which included John Carew fixing lights around Villa Park with the power of his amazing volleys and Carlos Cuellar attacking noisy groundsmen.
At first I couldn’t believe this story wasn’t as fake as the above video. But it’s real. It’s so real, it’s not even funny. Ok, I lied. This is hilarious. Seventhpool is stupid.