Its the end of January, which means there’s more money and rumors flying around world football than an episode of Downton Abbey.
With more imaginary websites leaking bad ideas than an early 2000s Superbowl commercial, its hard to know where to turn. Well fret not friends. Like Robbie Fowler at a Wall Street Cocktail Hour, your long search is over. FourFiveTwo has all the imaginary transfer rumors you need and all the nonsense you can trust.
Chelsea have been struggling under their new manager and Roman Abramovich has been replaced by Sheik Mansour as the big spender in the EPL. Chelsea seem set to make a big splash to reclaim their title as the King of England’s Nouveau Riche. Rumor has it that Chelsea is prepared to spend big money on a Bugatti Veyron. Experts believe that the Veyron, the world’s fastest road legal car, will add much needed speed to the Chelsea line up and let the entire league know that Mr. Abramovich is still serious about spending incredibly large sums of money incredibly poorly on his football club.
Manchester City were prepared to force manager Roberto Mancini to spend to buy this transfer window, but the club’s recent ouster from all this season’s cup competitions have sowed panic at Eastlands. In order to supplement the squad and enable City to win the league, Sheik Mansour is prepared to purchase Portgual’s Football League. It is believed that by buying the entire Primeira Liga, Mancini will be physically unable to complain about not having a deep enough mid field.
After seeing Stuart Downing on the youtubes, Liverpool returned to the internet’s foremost video site to continue their scouting efforts and promptly found viral sensation Ok Go. Watching their music video with the treadmills, Liverpool knew they had found their men. Can Rebecca Black or the Chocolate Rain guy be far behind?
After failing to sign David Beckham, Paris Saint Germain has been looking to sign another footballing legend to enhance their reputation internationally and it looks like new keeper Sylvester Stallone will not only do that, but he’ll keep the Nazis out of France as well.
Manager Harry Redknapp has taken to Tottenham to unprecedented heights, but his learning disabilities are holding the team back. By his own admission, he cannot even fill out a team sheet. Spurs are looking for the correct purchase to help their manager take the team to the next level, and it looks like Helen Keller is their woman.
Arsenal’s struggles are well documented this season. In an effort to get back to basics, Arsene Wenger seems to ready to spend big time money on a promising youngster and will put in a healthy bid for Justin Bieber. “He is immensely talented and I believe he will be a tremendous asset to the club.” Asked if he had seen the teen idol training with Barcelona, Wenger could scarcely believe it. “You have to be fucking kidding me.” he intoned.
It has only been 5 years since they were in the Premier League, but Watford have descended quite a bit since then to the depths of the Championship. The team looks to restore some of the glamour that Chairman Emeritus Elton John once brought to the club. Fictional Parks and Recreation character, noted nightclub promoter, and South Carolina native Tom Haverford looks to be their newest target as manager and appears ready to bring a much needed fresh look, some dope style, and DJ Roomba to the team.
However, perhaps the biggest move in the works is happening in Madrid. No, not Atletico’s long planned kidnapping of Fernando Torres (which will now be aided and abetted by the Russian Mob), but over at the Santiago Bernabeau. Frustrated with his inability to defeat Pep Guardiola, it seems that Jose Mourinho is determined to sign the one man he knows can bring Madrid victory over Barcelona: the undead corpse of Franco. Some question where the zombie dictator will fit in Madrid’s already star studded line up, but the Special One is confident that Franco will earn a place in the starting eleven, from which he can drive all of the Catalans before him and hear the lamentations of their women.