What Would You Do for $14 Million?

Carlitos on vacation

He might need that shovel to dig himself out of this mess.

You’ve probably heard by now of the statement issued by Manchester City chairman Khaldoon “not that Mubarak” Al Mubarak regarding the staggering amount of money Carlitos “Apache” Tevez has left on the table (or been fined) for the sake of getting the hell out of Manchester. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Just in case you haven’t heard about this and you’re too lazy to click on the link, here’s a quick rundown:

  • He forfeited a £6 million loyalty bonus by submitting a transfer request last season, which Mancini refused to accept.
  • He was fined two weeks’ wages (around £500k) for the Munich “I won’t sub in” incident.
  • He’s been fined £1.2 million for going AWOL by traveling to Argentina in November.
  • He’s missed out on £1.7 million in wages over the last two months.

All that adds up to around 14 million big fat yankee dollars. Dayum! That, of course, doesn’t include whatever Tevez has been spending over the last few months to maintain his sweet lifestyle without a salary and bounce around from one fancy vacation resort to the next, playing golf and so on. I imagine he also owes his lawyers back in the UK a princely sum for trying to sort all of this out for him. All because he hates life in Manchester that much, apparently.

The situation is getting worse for Tevez, as City have dug in their heels and expressed that they’re willing to keep him around for the 2.5 years remaining on his contract (out of the squad, obviously) rather than let him leave for less than £25 million. Potential suitors including Paris Saint Germain and Internazionale have been dropping like flies, leaving only AC Milan in talks about a loan deal that City are not really interested in.

This leads me to ask: is Manchester really all that bad? I highly doubt it. Here’s a brief list of places I would be willing to live and crap I would put up with in exchange for $14 million:

  • Five years on the desolate French Southern & Antarctic Lands, with no TV or internet access.
  • Four years under a railroad bridge in the ugliest, scariest area of Detroit.
  • Three years cooped up in the International Space Station with a team of sweaty Russian cosmonauts.
  • Two years sharing a straw hut on the North Pole with one of the douchebag guys from Jersey Shore.
  • And entire season of Pittsburgh Pirates baseball: I would attend every single miserable game (including spring training), sit through every single inning (up in the bleachers) and keep a detailed scorecard. With no beer to dull the pain. I really, REALLY hate baseball, but I would do this happily for $14 million.

So that’s my list. What would you do for Carlitos’ $14 million?

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18 responses to “What Would You Do for $14 Million?

  1. I would incorporate the tag “$14millionareyouserious?” into every written communication for the next five years

  2. @TFA – That’s funny, but the question is what would you do FOR $14M, not WITH $14M.

    I know this isn’t soccer-related, but I’d spend a year living in Columbia, MO, without once wearing any KU gear, flipping anybody off, or making any snide, rude, and fully deserved comments about the University of Missouri, its inbred hillbilly fans, or its slave-state, no-Championships-or-Final Fours-past. I would not, however, cheer for MU. There are limits to the portions of a man’s soul that are for sale.

    I would also watch the Twilight movies on repeat for a solid week, maybe two.

    Finally, I would buy Arsenal a defender…Or three teenage sensations you’ve never heard of who won’t be of any help for two more years. God, it just hit me, we’re kind of the hipster club. It’s easy to care about winning and being good with players everyone’s heard of; Arsenal try not to win titles and stay in the CL with players you’ve never heard of before.

  3. @BG – Not really. But his signings would arguably make more sense ironically than they do actually. If it were true, then I would have to raise my hand as Idiot #1 for spending the last 6 years following Arsenal instead of some club that wins things.

  4. @berg: you’ve also got my crayon scribbles about tactics, pundits and Villa.

    @KC: Could be worse; you could have a team tease you that they’re going to ascend the league, only to never get over the hump and then contract their spending. Kinda like, oh shit, the Mets. . . damn am I doomed.

  5. I think my comment has been slightly misconstrued. I already read everything else on this site, just not the Sp*rs drivel. But for $14 mil, I’d consider it.

  6. @berg: Yeah, don’t want to read it all now. Save it for Tuesday and Wednesday nights next year when you’ve got nothing else to do.

  7. LE – Actually, by this time next year you won’t have anything to do, either. Nor will you have a decent striker or your starting midfield. Dog days, indeed.

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