Bayern Munich Are Huge Dicks

Earlier today, Bayern Munich chief Christian Nerlinger revealed that the club would unveil a new striker at 13:00 GMT. He claimed, “There will be a spectacular new signing for the offensive area.” Bayern fans the world over screamed and shouted and jumped for joy at the prospect of a new goalscoring wizard. Giant donkey/surprisingly prolific goalscorer Mario Gomez has shouldered the bulk of the scoring responsibility for Bayern this year, having already bagged a league-leading 16 goals so far. But it’s not enough.

F.C. Hollywood are currently involved in an insanely tight race at the top of the Bundesliga, level on points with Schalke and Borussia Dortmund, with Borussia Monchengladbach only trailing the joint leaders by a single point. A new star striker would be just the thing to help separate the Bavarian club from the rest of the pack. So who is this world class dynamo preparing to set the Bundesliga alight? You!

Yes, that’s right. You.

As it turns out, Bayern Munich are huge dicks (hey! it’s the titular line!) There was no signing. It was all a stupid publicity stunt.

If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it. Right, Uli?

Instead of an actual star signing, they developed a super awesome cool Facebook app! It lets you watch a Bayern Munich press conference right on your Facebook. Oh wait, no it doesn’t. It’s a fake press conference that shows your Facebook picture being presented as if it were a new signing! Amazing! Just what their supporters wanted! Who wants actual new players when you’re locked in one of the most competitive title races in league history? That’s stupid. We demand bullshitty gimmicks on social networks! That’s much more helpful!

The moral of this story is, never trust Germans. Especially if they offer to let you use their shower.

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