Dear EPL Marketing Gurus

Some of the marketing guys at certain EPL teams have their work cut out for them. Lackluster squads, no star players, or Kean as

No club will look this good

your manager can make it difficult to generate excitement amongst the fanbase. In honor of their hard work we have decided to help them out by providing some new marketing slogans. We figure it’s the least we could do.

Arsenal: Get excited, someone besides van Persie scored.

Aston Villa: Relive the glory days as Robbie Keane returns to his boyhood club.

Blackburn: Our football sucks, but the chicken is good.

Bolton: Come see next years nPower Championship Champions

Chelsea: Come see our new manager, oh wait, actually see our really new manager.

Everton: Win 5,000 quid every time Everton puts a shot on goal.

Fulham: View the recently cleaned Michael Jackson statue.

Liverpool: Now offering sensitivity training.

Manchester City: Home of the two-footed tackle.

Manchester United: First 5,000 fans win a watch that gives you an extra 5 minutes every day.

Newcastle: We have the best bar’s in the EPL, just ask Carroll.

Norwich City: Green and yellow looks great on any woman.

QPR: If you are reading this you can’t afford our tickets.

Stoke City: At least you can watch Peter Crouch’s wife in the stands.

Sunderland: Introducing the new manager, same as the old manager.

Swansea City: Come visit Wales, we have um… whales?

Tottenham: Season tickets come with a free riot admittance

West Brom: At least it is football

Wigan: Its either this or rugby, and do you really want to watch rubgy?

Wolverhampton: Now selling Mick McCarthy hair products.


6 responses to “Dear EPL Marketing Gurus

  1. Nice. Sunday’s game: not nice. Reading the “about” page, someone was whining about being an Orioles/Sp*rs fan. That rings true for me as a Royals/Arsenal fan. Some dank, undiscovered pit inside my soul must long for sports torture. Oh, that it weren’t so.
    @MP – the shameless plug worked. Glad to see many of you guys made the jump over here. This site is now on my daily visit / slack off at work list, so thanks. Between Arrested Development, hating Boston teams (assumed since your a NY’er), & footy, I sense the beginnings of a promising friendship when I move up there.

  2. @KC Gunner – Sigh. I’m glad Billy Cundiff and Lee Evans and decided to keep my day consistent. Times are tough.

  3. @KC: Arsenal/United might hold us back, but they’re likely done playing each other until the fall.

    Also, the fans get more insufferable with every passing day. Brace yourself. If the Pats win the SB, you should change your plans.

  4. @Skip – I’m sorry for your pain, but the best product of the Cundiff fiasco was KU students spelling his name with cutout letters to wave behind the basket during A&M’s free throws last night. Original and hilarious.
    @MP – I don’t HATE hate United; I respect hate them, so we’ll be ok. Kinda how I feel about the StL Cardinals. They’re everything I wish my team was. I HATE hate Chelsea, Sp*rs, & Citeh. On the Boston front, I was hoping a Pats win would quit they’re whining, but I could easily see it making them more smug. And Boston fans specialize in smug.

  5. After sullying myself by rooting for the Pats to take care of the miserable Ravens, all I can say is Go Giants. And the Steelers will be back next year

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