January Transfer Roundup – What Teams Really Need and the English Press Won’t Tell You, Part 4

Welcome back readers! Yesterday we brought you behind the scenes to look at the secret moves contemplated by the bottom half of the table. Earlier today we showed you what the European hopefuls ought to be doing. Now get ready for the final push. These are the dark secrets of the top five. The final pieces to their puzzles that will take them to top of the table and eternal glory.

5. Arsenal – Before you get your hopes up, no, Arsenal is not going to sign anyone.  Arsene Wenger does not believe in spending money on anything.  He’s even stopped grocery shopping, subsisting entirely on food foraged from his local environment.

Arsene Wenger's diet book

The only way for Arsenal to break back into the top four and avoid complete humiliation at the hands of their North London rivals is to improve their local cultivation. There once was a time when Arsene’s Daycare churned out an array of world class talent. Luminaries like Denilson, Abou Diaby, and Nicklas Bendtner were lovingly raised at home, only to burst forth fully formed onto the world footballing stage.  But the production line has dried up and there’s nobody coming through Arsene’s Daycare that’s ready for the big time. As Arsene well knows, you can’t harvest wild tubers from an oil-soaked junkyard. They need the proper environment to flourish. So to do his budding young players.

Please don't eat that.

Arsene needs to improve his daycare facilities so his youngsters can blossom properly.  New slides and swingsets, better toys, maybe even a nap time less frequently interrupted by molestation.  Since Wenger won’t buy these improvements himself, it’s up to you, Arsenal fans. Donate today before it’s too late to save your club. If Arsenal doesn’t reach the Champions League this season, it’s all your fault.

4. Chelsea – Oh Chelsea. You’ve decided to be fiscally prudent at just the absolute worst time, didn’t you? You spent £50 million on a misfiring Torres and £13 million on a manager, and they’re both performing terribly.  And now that you’ve spent so much money on them, you can’t get rid of them. What a dilly of a pickle.  And the worst part is, nobody cares because everybody hates you.  You’re the nouveau riche, and everybody hates the nouveau riche.  You thought when the nouveauer richer Man City came around you’d finally get cut a little slack.  But you were wrong.  You’re still the historyless slumbitches you’ve always been.  The only way to escape your plight is to buy some history.

But where does one buy history?  Look no further than Huddersfield Town.  Winners of three consecutive league titles in the ‘20s—a feat unmatched by anyone except Arsenal, Liverpool, and Manchester United—they’ve also won the FA cup and finished runners up four times in the league.  After falling into administration and the Football League’s bottom tier in 2003, they’ve slowly clawed their way back.  But Roman Abramovich could offer them a much quicker road to glory by purchasing the club and merging it with Chelsea.

Boom, bitches.

All will tremble before the great and powerful Chuddersfieldsea Town FC.  With Huddersfield’s rich history and Chelsea’s clout and resources, they will be unstoppable.  A combined 7 league titles will put them 5th on the all time list.  As Chuddersfieldsea Town FC, Chelsea will be irreproachable in the public eye and Abramovich will finally be able to hold his head up high as he walks the streets of London. Instead of scorn and mockery, Chuddersfieldsea Town FC will bask in the loving admiration of the English public. And with fans in their corner for the first time, Chuddersfieldsea Town FC will march on to continue their proud and glorious history.

3. Tottenham – Tottenham are having their best season in basically forever.  Some people are even saying they could win the title.  But this is Tottenham, so they’re bound to fuck it up.  With Ledley King in the team, Spurs haven’t lost a single game all year.  With Ledley King out of the team, Spurs somehow managed to lose to Stoke City.  Clearly the only way to prevent Spurs’ inevitable collapse is to keep Ledley King healthy and able to play in every game possible.  But how do you keep a man healthy when he has no cartilage in his knees? Simple: Magic Shoes

The pinnacle in magic shoe technology

Forrest Gump was basically retarded and had broken legs. Ledley King likes to get retarded and has broken legs. But with the aid of Magic Shoes, Forrest Gump was able to win Vietnam, invent shrimp, convince the world that this movie wasn’t actually terrible, and run back and forth across the country nonstop for like 6 years or something else totally believable.  All Spurs need is 17 games out of Ledley King. Magic Shoes.

"Never go full retard." - Ledley King, on drinking responsibly

2. Manchester United – Sir Alex Ferguson already knows what he has to do, he’s just afraid to do it.  As we all thought we knew, you can’t win anything with kids.  But then SAF proved the world wrong with his Fergie’s Fledglings and we all thought, “Oh, wow, you can totally win things with kids.”  (I never said it was a particularly interesting thought.)

Fergie now finds himself building another team around a core of kids: Chicharito, the da Silva twins, Phil Jones, Chris Smalling, Tom Cleverly, and Danny Welbeck.  And as we all know, you can totally win things with kids. But..then…why is Manchester United slipping?  Because Ferguson knows the truth: You can’t win anything with kids.

I know, Phil Jones. I'm confused too.

The truth is, Fergie’s Fledglings were not kids. They were magical pixie devils, summoned forth from from the black depths of Tartarus. And Fergie paid for them with his soul. SAF has been praised throughout the years for putting together several generations of title winning teams, each with new personal.  But on each of those teams, at least three of his fairy hellspawn have been at the core.  But his pact with the devil is running out. At the beginning of the season he was only able to hang onto the Swarthmonster Ryan Giggs. And the Swarthy One can’t do it alone.

With the retirement of The Ginger Gapsplitter and El Mustachio Diablo, Manchester United lost its competitive edge. Fergie entered into a cut-price deal with the devil to bring back Scholes, but it’s not enough, his powers are waning. Who else can Fergie turn to? Ferguson-in-training David Moyes has captured the Nevillesser and Nicky Butt (yes, that’s also his demon name. yes, he gets made fun of for it there too) was last seen being abducted by a Chinese wizard. There’s only two hellspawn left. But only one is good enough to save United’s season. You know what you have to do Fergie. But can you face the cost?

Goldenba'alzebub: spitter of lies, defiler of women, taker of free kicks

1. Manchester City – Money City have spent roughly 4 trillion pounds on talent since Sheikh Mansour took over in 2008.  Yet somehow Roberto Mancini still manages to complain to the press about his desperate need for more players.  Bullshit, Bobby.  Mancini has so many good players at his disposal that he can afford to let one of the best strikers in the world spend match days chasing cars in the parking lot instead of suiting up for the game.

Mancini knows he has the players to get the job done, but he’s been moaning to the papers to cover his ass in case things go pear-shaped.  If City collapse, Mancini can look back and say, “I knew we needed more players! Yaya went to Africa for like a month! How were we supposed to cope with that?!?”  But that’s not going to fool anybody.  Everyone knows there’s absolutely no reason Manchester City shouldn’t win.  But they’ve crashed out of the Champions League and their sheen of invincibility is starting to wear off.  And the press is ready to pounce.

Manchester City need to give the English press something else to talk about. And that’s where Mario Balotelli comes in.  Mario Balotelli is a walking headline, willing and capable of doing the most outrageous things imaginable. And everyone loves him for it.

Still less crazy than the actual Mario Balotelli

So for the rest of the year, Super Mario needs to have every crazy wish he’s ever had come true. Whether that’s a backyard amusement park, a combination clown rodeo demolition derby, or his very own human centipede, Man City needs to make it happen.

If the press is focused on Balotelli’s bat-shit crazy shenanigans, they might not even pay attention to Man City’s staggering implosion.  Because City can’t get any better on the field, buying a contingency plan is best they can hope for.

Jose Mourinho better get back on Mario's good side before he makes him the "B"

Pay close attention over the next few weeks as the transfer window comes to a close. Only some of these teams have the courage to do what’s necessary. And that’s what separates the winners from the Seventhpools. The press won’t tell you when these moves have been made, but read between the lines. You’ll see.

[Ed. – Don’t miss Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3]

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5 responses to “January Transfer Roundup – What Teams Really Need and the English Press Won’t Tell You, Part 4

  1. I’m donating my digestive tract to Mario Balotelli. As long as I can be in front of Jose.

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