January Transfer Roundup – What Teams Really Need and the English Press Won’t Tell You, Part 2

Earlier today we took a look at some of the transfer moves the relegation battlers need to make in order to survive until next season. Now we’ll examine the rest of the bottom half of the table.

15. West Bromwich Albion– An ad for a manager brought a stranger into West Brom’s life. Someone who shares. Someone who cares. Someone who borrows. Someone who steals. Someone who would kill to be at Liverpool. Roy Hodgson is: Single White Football Manager.


Roy Hodgson loved Liverpool. They were made for each other. Liverpool needed him. They were supposed to be together forever. But Liverpool didn’t appreciate him. Liverpool didn’t love him like he deserved to be loved. So Liverpool had to die.

Roy brought Liverpool to 12th place in the league and crashed them out of both domestic cups last year, but before he could complete their destruction, he was sacked. Now at West Brom, he has the chance to complete his revenge. But he can’t just kill Liverpool. He must become Liverpool.

"I know, Liverpool. I was YOU."

"I know you weren't yourself when you did this, Roy."

The process has already begun. Now West Brom just needs to sign some mediocre British talent, start racially abusing players, and stop walking alone. Then their transformation will be complete. And Liverpool will finally realize how much they needed Roy. They belong together.

14. Fulham – Fulham has had a completely bonkers season so far.  They’ve managed to take points off of Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool, Man City, and Arsenal a second time. Let’s all laugh at Arsenal.  But somehow they have contrived to lose to all the shitty teams and find themselves in the bottom half of the table.  How is it that a team can do so well against good teams and so poorly against the lousy ones? Michael Jackson.

Fulham’s statue paying tribute to pop singer Fulham legend Michael Jackson is the only explanation for their current form.

A team with a statue of Michael Jackson outside its ground must do a better job of taking advantage of vulnerable, unsuspecting teams below them.

Of course they can beat the top teams. They have a pop superstar in their corner. But when Fulham comes up against the Premier League’s lesser lights, they have nobody to turn to for inspiration.  That’s why Fulham need to go full on Jackson Five. Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, and Marlon—the forgotten men of the Jackson family.  The patron saints of mediocrity, they’re the muse Fulham has been seeking all season long.

Or Randy Jackson, when they're playing someone with a lousy pitch.

13. Aston Villa – Aston Villa were a wonderful football team not that long ago. Under Martin O’Neill, they played scintillating attacking football and for three consecutive years they finished 6th in the league. But under Alex McLeish that’s all changed. They’re not even a football team anymore. As McCleish even admitted, they’re more like a circus. And as long as he’s manager, that’s never going to change. It’s time they embrace their fate. Elephants, acrobats, bearded ladies, Stephen Ireland. Full on circus mode. Whatever it takes so people are distracted from the actual football being played at Villa Park.

Photoshop credit - Robert Lintott of www.7500toholte.com

Screw football, we're going to clown college.

12. Sunderland – What Sunderland should do hardly matters. Now that Martin O’Neill is their manager, there is only one thing they will do. Sometimes the truth isn’t good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded. But those people don’t live in Sunderland.

The player Sunderland needs is Harvey Barren Dent himself. Sunderland’s White Knight. The hero they had until joker Steve Bruce brought him down.

Harvey "Barren" Dent

You either die a hero, or live to see yourself become the Villan.

But Sunderland have to chase someone else. A silent guardian. A protector. A dark knight. The Powerhouse is not the player Sunderland needs, but the player it deserves.

11. Everton – Chairman Bill Kenwright is the world’s poorest millionaire and Everton has absolutely no money available to buy any players ever.  Every year they are forced to sell away their best players and no matter how much money comes in, nobody is allowed to spend it.  Yet somehow, David Moyes still manages to wake up every morning, come to training, not kill himself, and turn out an Everton side that consistently challenges for Europe.  This year Everton is languishing in the bottom half of the table, and with approximately 37 first team players injured, they’re going to need signings if they want to be competitive over the second half of the season.  But if there’s no money available for players, what can Everton possibly do to reverse their situation?

Loans.  Lots and lots of loans. All from Manchester United. The Mancs have a stable brimming with young talent who are currently wasting away in reserve.  Kiko Macheda scored that one goal that one time. Paul Pogba’s name rhymes with Drogba; not signing him would be a fucking disgrace. Mame Biram Diouf is not actually related to El Hadji. Ravel Morrison is also a person.  Would these signings help Everton in their quest for moderate levels of success? No, probably not.  So why bother, you ask?  Because one day Alex Ferguson will retire and David Moyes will probably want his old job.  He’s taken Everton as far as he can go, so he might as well practice managing Manchester United players. It’ll look good on his C.V.

That’s it for the bottom half of the table. Tomorrow we’ll peer into the murky depths of the top ten clubs and see what teams need to make that final push towards Europe. Things are gonna get dark.

[Ed. – Don’t miss Part 1Part 3, and Part 4]


9 responses to “January Transfer Roundup – What Teams Really Need and the English Press Won’t Tell You, Part 2

  1. “Kiko Macheda scored that one goal that one time…Ravel Morrison is also a person”
    Damn that’s brilliant.

  2. You’ll have my response to this sentence:

    Under Martin O’Neill, they played scintillating attacking football

    on this blog soon. Not today, but soon.

  3. @Keith: Even if you’re right, you’re still wrong. Because compared to McLeish, even Eeyore is scintillating.

  4. Gluten war hinterhältig – Auch bei Sprue war es sehr wichtig, das in bestimmten Hugo Sekt n versteckte Gluten
    zu beachten. Noch stetig gilt an dieser stelle
    der Erfahrungssatz jenes BGH, wonach jenes verständiger Durchschnittsverbraucher im Allgemeinen nicht annehmen wird auch, Hugo Sekt daß jenes als Nahrungsergänzungsmittel
    (Hugo Sekt ) angebotenes Produkt tatsächlich ein Hugo Sekt ist, sowie es
    in jener empfohlenen Dosierung keine pharmakologische
    Wirkung habe. Dezember 2010 – Die Mitgliedstaaten der Europäischen Union hatten für sich in Brüssel auf ganz neue
    Kennzeichnungsvorschriften für Hugo Sekt geeinigt.

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